The last few days have been hard for me. All days since my sweet Angel went to Heaven have been hard for me. But sometimes it is harder. Every morning I wake up and the pain in my chest, in my heart is instant. It never goes away. It feels as if there is a gaping hole in my chest that can never and will never be filled. I ache for him. I still put on movies and cartoons for him every day. Partly to trick myself into pretending like he is still in there watching it and partly for in case he visits. I NEED that background noise.
From the moment I found out he was growing in my stomach he was my life. My everything. Nothing else mattered but him. When he was born I was overjoyed. He was perfect. He struggled and fought to stay alive those first few weeks. I think he fought for me because he knew and understood how much I needed him and how much I loved him.
I remember the day I took him home from Primary Childrens Hospital. All 5 pounds of him. He looked sooo small in his car seat. He had to be sent home on oxygen. We had to take oxygen tanks home. For about a month after we got home he had to be on it until he could fully breath on his own.
He was a fighter from the very beginning. Fighting to be born and fighting to stay alive. He is and always will be my hero. I have never in my life had the pleasure of knowing another soul that could give so many people joy. Even complete strangers were drawn to him. Gabriel taught me so many things. He taught me patience, joy, strength, courage, love, trust, bravery, and compassion. He is the most wonderful little boy in the entire world.
I could've had the worst day in the entire world and been so angry and discouraged...but knowing I was coming home to him and his contagious laughter and smile always made everything better. Gabe was never unhappy. Really. He very rarely cried. And when he did it was a soft whimper to let me know he wasn't okay. It was only if he wanted to be picked up, hungry, or was hurting. He was so brave and strong. He had the strongest pain tolerance I have ever seen. Every single time he had to get shots he would laugh. He never cried. The doctor or nurse was always amazed.
Gabriel was born special needs. He was diagnosed with CMV and Cortical Vision Impairment. CMV caused neurological problems and visual problems. He was legally blind, although he could see bright lights and colors. Every so often I could tell he focused on my face. He would be an infant mentally for his whole life. He had a feeding tube for his main source of nourishment and food staple. But he also loved to taste things and experience yummy foods. He LOVED ice cream, bananas, mashed potatoes, chocolate, suckers, and whipped cream. Gabe also had a medicine pump. He got that January of 2009. He had very tight muscles and the older and bigger he got the harder it was for him to loosen up. It made it especially hard for me to change his diaper and clothes. After he got the pump and helped tremendously. His muscles were loose and he was able to be comfortable again.
As you can see, he had a lot of challenges. But, despite all of the doctors visits and surgeries, he was always happy.
My family and I joked all the time about how Gabe only had 1 volume and it was LOUD. He would laugh loud, get excited and scream loud, he liked to snort and that was loud, he did his cute little baby talk loud. We'd be in church and it would be totally reverent and quiet and he'd let out a way loud snort or squeal. It always got everyone laughing.
I love thinking and talking about my little monkey. It warms my heart and puts a smile on my face. It brings tears to my eyes as well. Because I long so badly to have him back and also because I am overjoyed that God trusted me enough to be his Mommy. I am going to share some facts about Gabe. That way you can know lots about him.
- His favorite movie was Beauty and the Beast
- His favorite cartoons were The Chipmunks. He had all of them. There was one for every holiday and a few others.
- He LOVED water. Bath time was his favorite thing ever. I would always end up soaked because he splashed and kicked so much. And when it was time to get out and I would pull up the drain, he would kick it closed again. He didn't want to get out :) Ryan and I would take him to the indoor rec center pool. Gabe was in 7th Heaven. He loved the waterfalls and getting splashed in the face. Plus he had way cool swim trunks with fish on them.
-Gabe absolutely hated his teeth brushed, his face washed, his nose cleaned, or his ears cleaned. He would always push my hands away and get the cutest little scowl on his face.
-Gabe has a pet kitty named Jasmine. She was always in his lap whether it was in his highchair or in his bed. One time he had her mistaken for one of his stuffed animals and he bit her. It was hilarious.
-Gabe loved loved loved music. He had his own Ipod
- Gabe's favorite songs were Davey Crockett (Ryan changed it to Gabey Crockett), Itsy Bitsy Spider, Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree, Give Said the Little Stream, and You Are My Sunshine.
-He has the most beautiful auburn red hair. Sometimes it looked more red and others more strawberry blonde.
- My favorite thing to dress him in was the color orange.
- He got stinky pits and had to have his own ''oderant"
-He absolutely HATED Tepanyaki. I don't know if it was the sounds or the smells or both. But he cried and squirmed around in that place to the point that we decided to not take him there anymore.
-He loved his Daddy so much and they were best buddies. Ryan came into Gabe's life when he was 2. Gabe and him instantly became close. They had the most special bond. They played and cuddled all the time. And lots of the time when Gabe needed to be comforted, it was only Ryan that he wanted.
-Gabe has the BEST uncles, aunt, Gampa and Gamma ever.
-We would go on "adventure walks" and we'd come home with all sorts of goodies. Picked flowers, golf balls, pennies, even a volley ball once.
-Me and Gabe had a yearly tradition of going to the Festival of Trees. He loved all the music and smells. We would always take him to the "kids corner" and let him make crafts. Every year now I decorate and donate a tree to the festival in his name. 2009 it was "Teddy Bear Picnic" and last year it was "Gabey Crockett". This year it is going to have a Beauty and the Beast theme.
Those are just a few of my favorite things about my baby. I could go on and on forever.
I am so incredibly angry at God for taking him from me. Gabe was perfectly healthy. He never got sick. I try to thank God for letting me be Gabe's Mom. I am thankful. I was blessed. BUT I don't think I will ever get over my anger and pain. It was so unexpected. He was taken from me for no reason. We were happy. We were a family. He made my life complete. He was all I ever wanted. He is gone now and I hate God for taking him from me. How could he do that? If he loved me, how could he put me through this pain and suffering?
I honestly thought I was going to die of heartache. For a long time I would wake up and be so thankful it was all just a terrible nightmare, only to realize it wasn't. I wanted to die. The only thing that kept me here was my family and knowing if I hurt myself it would hurt Gabriel so much. I could never and will never hurt him. Many times I thought death would be better than the hell I was living in. I took sleeping pill after sleeping pill just so I could stay asleep and not have to face my reality.
Slowly I started to accept he was gone. It was like every morning when I woke up I was slammed in the gut with a semi truck. I hated everyone and everything. I hated other Moms for getting to have their kids, I hated God, I hated myself for not being able to prevent it. I went a long time feeling complete and utter despair. I was letting myself be sucked into a black hole of hate, sadness, fear, and misery.
I am so incredibly thankful for my family. Especially my husband. Ryan is the best most wonderful husband. He has taken care of me through all of this. Even though he has been fighting his own heartache. He has always taken care of me first. He and my family finally convinced me I needed to get on some anti-depressants and anxiety medication. For a year I refused. I wanted to hurt, I thought I could make myself better. Eventually I decided I needed help. I knew Gabe wouldn't want me hurting and wasting my life away being full of hate. I did it for him. I always want him to be happy. I always want him to be proud of me.
The medication has helped tremendously. I still hurt every day. I will never stop longing for him. But, I now find enjoyment in life. I love my friends, my family, my dogs. Especially Crockett. He has gotten me through a lot of hard times. When I cry he is ALWAYS there with me Licking away my tears. He brings me so much joy. I know him and Gabe would've been the best of friends.
Writing about Gabe and about my feelings really helps me. It's therapeutic. I wanted to share my feelings with my loved ones. I wanted those of you that didn't have the blessing of knowing Gabe to get to know about him. I want everyone to NEVER EVER take what they have for granted. Especially their children and family. Never miss an opportunity to tell them you love them and are grateful for them. Life is precious and fragile.
Live life to the fullest.
