These things need to go...NOW

1) I brushed my teeth last night and a filling fell out. More like disintegrated. WTF? I use a soft brush and I have really nice teeth. Like really nice. I am proud of them and I take wayyyy good care of them. So now I have to go to the dentist today and get a new freaking filling.
2) The douche bag business man in my lobby talking way too loud on his bluetooth and using phrases like "Etcetera, etcetera". First of all...I cannot stand it when people use one etcetera, but two? You might as well say every word twice. There is no point in saying that word twice. That is like saying infinity, infinity. You don't need to say it more than once because it sums everything up in one word. Stupid business man.

"Look at me! I am sooooo important! Etcetera, etcetera"

3) Coffee cup lids and Slurpee lids at the gas station. You might as well bring duct tape with you to the store because that is the only way you will get the lids to stay on for sure. You try really hard to get that stupid ass lid on...and then when you are pretty sure it is...you pick up the cup, the lid pops off, and you spill everywhere looking like an idiot. I am not an idiot. I know how to put an effin lid on a cup. Those lids are on revolt and laughing at us people! Duct tape those sons of bitches!

4) Happy people in the morning. "Heather, isn't it beautiful outside this morning?", "Look at the wonderful sunshine!", "Heather, good morning!". SHUT UP NED FLANDERS!!!! I hate morning time, I hate waking up, I hate people who talk to me until at least 11 am. Unless you won the lottery that morning and are willing to share it with me...then go share your happy good morning butterflies with someone who gives a shit.

5) Toddlers and Tiaras. That show is sooo creepy and wrong. First of all those little girls look like they belong on a corner soliciting things Julia Roberts should only do OR they look like they should be soliciting Mary Kay or Avon. Let your little girls be little girls. You are pushing them to grow up way too fast. You know what creeps me out? Those "flippers" or whatever those teeth things are called. They where them to cover up the holes where they have lost their BABY TEETH! They are just losing their baby teeth for Hells sake. You know what else creeps me out? They look like those creepy little dolls in horror movies. But there is like an army of creepy little dolls. Personally I think these Moms are just used up fat asses and are pushing their daughters to do this since they can't themselves. Oh, and to win money to buy their 44 oz. Diet Cokes every day.

If you tell me that this is ok and it isn't creepy on an extremely creepy level....then I will run you over with my car. You are most definitely the Zombie leader of all your creepy little beauty pageant zombies.

Moley, Moley, Moley

I have had a mole on my back close to my right shoulder blade all my life. My friend gave me the idea the other day to go get it looked at. She had just gotten one removed on her chest. I decided to take a better look at my moley companion and realized a few things.

1. It's gotten bigger
2. It's an ugly effer
3. I would rather remove it than risk anything.
4. Even if there was nothing wrong with it, I still wanted it removed. It was big and ugly.

So, I made an appointment with a doctor and went in yesterday. She said that she was pretty positive the tests on it would come back normal, but that it did look different from what a normal healthy mole should look like. Especially if I have noticed that it's grown. So she cut that fucker off. And the thought of her cutting it off didn't bug me or scare me one bit. Let me tell you something about me. I have a huge phobia of needles. But only hypodermic needles. Tattoo guns are totally different. I purposely avoid flu shots every year because I hate them so much. I recently had my wisdom teeth out and had to go to an oral surgeon. I was going to be put out (which means I would have to get an IV). I immediately started breathing heavy, my heart started going nuts, my hands were sweating profusely.

I was like one of the kids in the back seat on a road trip saying "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" But I was asking the nurses, "When are you putting in the needle? Will it hurt? How much longer before you put the IV in? Can I have some paper towels for my hands? When are you putting in the needle?"

So yesterday I knew she had to numb up my back. I tensed up and balled my hands into fists to brace myself for what was about to happen. She was like " Okay, just relax. I am going to squeeze the skin around your mole for some pressure while I numb you up. Don't hold your breath. Don't pass out." I WAS holding my breath! I DID feel like I was going to pass out. I was trying so hard to act like a big girl and act like it was nothing, but obviously she could tell  I was a big ass pansy.

I told her the pain of the needle doesn't bother me. Not even the fact that she is using a razor blade thing to cut off my mole. What freaks me the eff out is knowing what she is doing back there with the needle. Inserting this cold, hard, steel, pointy, not belonging anywhere near my skin, tool from Hell thing. She put me through it THREE TIMES! I had to get THREE EFFING SHOTS to numb the area. I would have much rather had her punch me in the face to knock me out. Or I would have been willing to run full speed into the wall and knock myself out. I guess they don't let people do it. Something about medical procedures and liability insurance.

But, it did end! I was numb and she cut Mr Mole out. Now I have a hole in my back and a bandage covering it up. I can't get it wet for 1 day which means I couldn't shower last night. I feel filthy and hurty. The place where the mole was is directly underneath my bra strap. So wearing a bra to work today BLOWS.

Monday likes and dislikes 6

I just got back from vacation late Friday night. I stayed away from email, Facebook, and blogging. It was actually pretty nice to just get away from it all. Here are my likes and dislikes regarding my vacation.

LIKES
- Being with my husband every day
- Sleeping in
- Eating kick ass food. Isn't anything and everything you eat on vacation calorie free?
- Laying out at the beach
- A way cool dog named Max that came up to me out of no where and put a stick in my hand. We played fetch for like 10 min. He was awesome. If a cute dog comes up to you and hands you a stick...can you steal him? Finders keepers?
- Playing catch with Ryan and realizing I can still throw pretty damn good. 
-Finding cool antique shops
- Buying these awesome freaking slippers. I dare you to find cooler slippers. Brand is Country Kickers

- Seeing Crockett and Molly react like its the happiest day in the world when me and Ryan walk into the door after being gone a whole week.
- Ryan and I stopped at a rest stop on the way and there were TONS of squirrels all over. I am not even exaggerating. I counted like 20 just running around in a group. I decided to give them Pringles. It was awesome! They came right up to me and got it from me. Here is proof! (If I look like a fat ass...its because I am)

DISLIKES
- Leaving Molly and Crockett
-Mosquito bites
-Huge ass warrior crickets flying at me at high speeds and landing on my leg which then caused me to scream bloody effing murder
-Almost packing dumbass Jasmine in my suite case. I am not even joking. Look close.

- Coming back to work
- Getting a huge hole in my brand new tire and having to pay $140 for a new one.
- Being constipated the whole vacation
- Finding a pube in my hotels shower.

Jasmine

 I have a cat named Jasmine. She is the funniest and most loving cat ever. She is also the most retarded and loud cat ever. She loves sitting in random things. If there is an open drawer, a box, a laundry basket, the sink...she will sit in it. She also will climb into an open cabinet, fridge, dryer, or dishwasher. I freak out sometimes when we can't find her because she gets into the most random places. She was meowing like crazy once when she was like 4 months old and I found her in the fridge. Ryan started the dryer and heard her hissing and meowing...turns out she was in there.

 I bought Jasmine right after me and Ryan got married in 2008. I just decided one day I wanted a cat. Me, Gabe, and my Grammie went to the Humane Society and I looked at lots and lots of kittens and just couldn't decide. My Grammie pointed out this TINY TINY calico. The tag said she was 2 months old...but she was seriously small. She was so stinking cute. So me and Gabe took her home. Ryan came home to me sitting on the kitchen floor and I said "Look what I bought!". Luckily he is a cat person and loved her right away. Instantly she was in love with Gabe. She was always sitting on his lap whether it was in his highchair or in his bed.

Let me tell you a little story about them. One day Gabe and Jasmine were watching cartoons in his room and all of the sudden Ryan heard Jasmine hiss then Gabe scream. Ryan went running in there and Jasmine went tearing out of the room. Gabe had a little bite on his nose. See, Gabe loved stuffed animals. He ALWAYS had one in the crook of his arm. He would chew on it and suck on it until it was all nice and drooly and I would have to put it in the wash. Apparently he thought Jasmine was a good thing to chew on and so he bit her and then she bit him. But then they made up and were good friends again.

Jasmine I think was normal at first, but she is always running into things or falling off of things and I think it made her slightly retarded. When we lived in our condo we had containers under the bed for some of Ryan's clothes. There was a bed skirt so you couldn't see them. I can't even tell you how many times she would go running full speed into our room and under the bed and smack right into them. She lays on the counter and rolls off. She NEVER lands on her feet.

One time I was taking a nice, hot, relaxing bubble bath. Candles and relaxing music too. I hear Ryan in the other bathroom scream "What the fuck?" and he comes running in the bathroom butt ass naked holding Jasmine by the scruff of her neck. He starts putting her in the bathtub. I was like "What the hell are you doing?" He said "She's covered in pee!''. Ummmm hello? Don't put her in the tub I am in for freaks sake!!!! So I jumped out of the bath and he proceeded to dunk her in the water to get the pee off of her. Okay so basically what happened is he got home from soccer and got butt ass naked to pee (naturally!) I guess he was gonna shower too. Well as he was peeing Jasmine ran as fast as she could towards him, jumped through his stream of pee, hit the other side of the toilet and bounced back into the toilet getting peed all over.

She is very special indeed. But I love her stinking guts. She is so fun and cuddly. And she loves Crockett. Normally cats are selfish and lazy. She is definitely one of a kind. I love her even more knowing the bond her and Gabe had.

I am definitely glad my Grammie found her for me :)

I need a rabbits foot

I got the short straw in the luck department.

I had an interesting night last night. First of all I worked 13+ hours yesterday with no lunch. I could have taken one, but I had to make up some hours..so I chose not to. Anyways...I was tired. I got home late, took a shower, and put on my awesome acne zapping face mask. I look really hot with green lumpy goop all over my face too. In case you wanted to know. I was so busy yesterday that I didn't stop to eat very much. I was STARVING when I got home. So I went into the kitchen to find something while my zits were getting all zapped and shit. I opened the freezer and saw this.

Now these aren't the pictures from my freezer because I totally forgot in the midst of slushy frozen coke guts all over the place. But you get the idea.

So I am sitting on the floor in the kitchen with my green face trying to figure out how to clean this shit up. My two helpful dogs decide to come in to see what all the commotion is. Crockett has a very sensitive stomach and throws up when he eats anything but his dog food or milk bones. So I was screaming at Ryan to come get the dogs. He couldn't hear me until I was screaming as loud as I could because he was busy watching Deadliest Catch in our bedroom. He likes to pretend he is one of those guys and he works on the Cornelia Marie. Anyways......he comes in and gets the dogs. He did ask if he could help, but A) it was my stupid ass fault and B) it was a one person job.

I decided to pull out the drawers and wipe them and everything in them down. Then I got a paper towel and started pushing it all out onto the floor. My genius idea was to let it melt on the floor and I would soak it up with something. It wouldn't freaking melt. So I started picking it up with my hands and throwing it in the garbage. I am an idiot because when it does melt, the garbage will be full of melted coke. BUT it was late and I was tired. It took a whole roll of paper towels to clean it up and then I used some Clorox wipes to wipe the floor and freezer down to get all the sticky crap off.

I put the garbage back and as I was doing this I rammed my knuckle into the corner of the counter top. I didn't notice how bad it hurt because my hands were icecubes. I know today that I wacked it pretty hard.

I took my mask off, made some Ramen, and went to bed. How was your night?

Truck drivers beware

As I was tiredly driving myself to work this morning I was suddenly woken up by an intense jolt of anger and determination. Some huge douche lord in a ginormous truck was weaving in and out of traffic going at least 15 mph over the speed limit. Well, man in a huge truck...with a little penis cut me off then like three other people in front of me. I was so pissed. Like beyond pissed. How dare you scare the living shit out of me while I am minding my own business, listening to Radio From Hell, and drinking my coffee. I wanted to follow him. And trust me...I have done it before. But, here was the problem. Mr. tool bag was driving way way fast and out of control. I wasn't about to drive like that and risk spilling my coffee. I mean, I paid $1.47 for it.

So, instead I decided to say a prayer to the Lord above that he would make this mans wenis fall off today out of no where. He'll be chillin at work and all of the sudden he'll be like "woah woah woah! did my penis just fall off?" Yeah dude, it did.

My husband drives a huge truck. He seems like a pretty decent driver. But, I swear to baby Jesus that if he starts driving like the man without his wiener, I will punch him straight in the face. I mean, what if someone also says a prayer that HIS penis falls off? Then what good would he be?

All I am saying is that anyone driving a huge lifted truck needs to practice safe driving. Oh! And if you drive a truck and you have those testicles hanging from the back of it...I will personally see to it that you have your own testicles hanging from your rear view mirror.

Monday likes and dislikes 5

I hope you all had a lovely weekend! Mine had it's ups and downs.

Likes
- Coffee. I could have a love affair with coffee if it had the right anatomy. 
-Banana cream pie from Marie Calendars. She is one bad ass bitch. She makes the best freaking pies. I want to marry her. 
-My bed. If you need a new mattress then go to Ikea. Also get the extra pad that goes on top. It's like sleeping on a beautiful cloud in Heaven.
- Laying out. Since I don't live in Hawaii, I like to play the game of pretend. I close my eyes, get an alcoholic beverage, pay my husband (in sexual favors)to wear a grass skirt and play with fire sticks, put a sound track of the ocean on, and have a jolly good time. But actually I am lying and I just lay out at a friends community condo pool. 
- Waking up to my Crockett sitting on the bed next to me wanting a big hug :) 

Dislikes
- Steam cleaning my carpet.
-Steam cleaning my carpet and Molly deciding it would be like totally awesome to take a massive stinky shit right next to me. 
- Steam cleaning my carpet, Molly shitting next to me, me going ape shit and saying the fuck word 3103541564645 times, Molly getting scared and stepping in her own feces and smooshing it into my carpet and then running all over getting it all over. 
-Having my freshly steam cleaned carpets smell like the Hogle Zoo
- Realizing my Mormon neighbors are outside with their kids and my front door was open the entire time.

Summer yard

Awhile back I posted some pictures of my yard this Spring. Well now I have a present for you! Summer yard pictures woo hoo! I think all the flowers are beautiful and I am in love.

I love how Molly was in the pictures

Ryans gnomey and our newly painted porch. Its just discolored because Ryan watered the plants

I love our pathway

I love this paint. We are going to do the driveway too eventually.

This is the stuff we used: Quikrete was the brand. It's called semi-transparent concrete stain and the color was Vaquero Brown I think. We bought a gallon and didn't even use half of it and its only like $20.

Crockett and Molly  being cute

We have had so many compliments on our cement. It classes up the place I'd say!

Trends are stupid

I have never really been one to follow trends. I like what I like whether its outdated or not the "in" thing. Utah has this weird ass thing about it...when there is a new trend Utahans "beat it to death" as my dear friend Natalie put it. For example: FEATHER EXTENSIONS. If I see another 50 year old woman with a fucking hot pink feather in her hair, I might just die. Are we poultry? Are women wearing them because they are hoping to fly? Or maybe its to spot other birds in your flock. I want to murder this trend. I want to find all the feather extensions and put them in a huge pile, cover them in feces, and then burn them to death.

Jeans, shirts, hats with bling. Basically anything at Buckle. I want to cover Buckle in feces and burn it to death. Unless you are in a beauty pageant or a drag queen, there is no reason for the sequins or fake diamonds that are scattered all over your Affliction or Sinful shirt. Its like a sequin fairy had explosive diarrhea all over your shirt. Let me tell you something...you look stupid.

Jeans with white stitching. Like, huge, white, thick stitching. Again, Buckle probably sells it. Ugliest shit ever. The worst is when women wear these jeans and cuff them. Can I be the voice of reason? Buy effing capris! It looks so idiotic to buy jeans and then have a humongous cuff as thick as a tree trunk. The worst is someone who not only does the cuff, but the jeans are blinged out and have the white stitching. Gag me.

 

Anything Ed Hardy or Christian Audigier. When I see you wearing this kind of stuff, not only do I laugh at you, but it instantly reminds me of the cast of Jersey Shore or John Gosselin. Neither one of those are things you want to look like. Cover yourself in feces and light yourself on fire.

Tank tops over a t-shirt. I know you are trying to be modest or something, but it looks bad. Either wear a tank top or a t-shirt. Not both at the same time. While you're at it, put on some jeans and some shorts.

Okay my readers. Please don't take offense to this post. Just listen to me. It'll be good for you and everyone that has to look at you. Amen.

Monday likes and dislikes 4

I didn't work Monday because of the 4th of July. I usually stay off the computer when I am at home. I like to spend my time at home with my husband and my dogs. So here is my Monday/Tuesday likes and dislikes:

DISLIKES
- Waking up with a huge zit the size of planet Earth on my face. It was so big it probably had zits orbiting around it. Not to mention it was on the most attractive spot EVER....just to the left of my lower lip. DEAD SEXY. Mmmm. And it's effing hurty. I am 26 and I am still getting acne. This is bullshit man. Bullshit.


-Neighbors still doing fireworks at 11:30 PM. It was right outside my bedroom window. I have to work at 7 AM dammit to hell. I had dreams of being in WWII and I got shot to death.

-The RSL fireworks. They were so freaking lame I can't even explain. Everyone was leaving during them!

-Leaving my husband and going back to work after a 3 day weekend :(

LIKES
- Spending a 3 day weekend with Ryan and my puppies. I love them so much!
- Going to the RSL game with my family. It was so fun!
-Snow cones!!!!! Tigers Blood duh! Winning!


Here are some silly pictures from the soccer game :)