Poo flinger?

I have weird ass dreams. Usually I only remember them about 5 minutes after I wake up...then they disappear to nothingness....spooky.

Okay so last night I had a dream that I was the great creator of a new game. I can't remember the name of this game, but since I was the creator..I bet it was something way cool. It's pretty simple, really. There are two teams made up of a bunch of people. You are in an arena. The floor has cow and horse poop piles all over it. You run around and fling poop at your opponents. If it hits them..then they are out. The winning team is the one who is left standing without any poop being flung on them.

I am not joking. This was a real dream. Maybe rednecks would play? Or me if I was drunk...

Monday likes and dislikes 20

Likes

1. I have the most ridiculously cool toilet EVER. Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

2. My weekend with my husband was awesome. We laid in bed practically all weekend and watched Harry Potter. During this fun weekend, I learned some things. 

A) I want a dog like Fang

B) I want a hall pass to do Sirius Black

C) I want to live in a cabin/hut like Hagrid

D) I want chocolate frogs to eat whenever I want

3. Spartacus is adorable and I want to snuggle him forever and ever. 

Dislikes

1. Any and all of the Malfoy's. They all look like someone peed on their heads. If I were a wizard (which I am) I would use the killing curse on the lot of them. 

2. Cheesecake and I have a love/hate relationship. It tastes so so good when it hits my lips...then it appears as a big blob of fat on my arse. 

3. I dislike the fact that I cannot resist girl scout cookies. I CAN"T! There is no part of me that can withstand the deliciousness of them. I could never say "No thank you little girl. I'd rather have an apple."

Tag! You're it!

This is circling around blog world...I thought I'd be part of the gang and join in the fun!


1. If you had a time machine, where or rather when would you go?

I would go back to the year me and Ryan got married. I would never let anything happen to Gabriel. We would be a happy family and never be apart. That way...today after work Gabriel would be at home with Ryan waiting for me with a big drooly smile on his face. 

2. Diamonds or Pearls?

Neither. I am not a girly girl when it comes to jewelry 

3. What's your favorite movie?

That is really hard to pick. I would have to say Princess Bride. "Anybody want a peanut?"

4. When you were a kid, what was your favorite television show?

Full House. I was so pissed when it ended that I wrote a letter to the show and asked my Mom to mail it to them. I am sure she didn't...but she convinced me that she did when I was a stupid gullible Heather. And by the way.. I am still gullible....and stupid.   

 
 5. Let's pretend you found $50 in your couch cushions, what would you run out and buy?
 

You're totally going to think I am boring...I would put it in my savings account...Molly or Crockett eventually will be the cause of me having to break down and buy new couches...and that $50 will help me not murder them

 6. What is your favorite color?

To wear...black for sure. And in general...probably green or orange. Orange reminds me of my Gabe

 7. Why did you start your blog?

I used to keep a journal when I was younger...and I just kind of stopped. This is a nice way to get out my thoughts when I have them...which is rare hee hee

 8. What is your favorite home decor store?

This is the honest to God truth...Ross. I love Ross. It's cheap and usually they only have 1 or 2 of something so I feel like I am special. I like to feel special. 

9. Name one thing in your make-up bag you can not live without?


Chapstick

10. And here is one that I added for fun! Cuz I am fun! What is one of your biggest pet peeves?

Probably people that don't dress their children according to the weather. Do not put your kid in a t-shirt and shorts with no coat if its Winter...and don't put them in jeans and a hoodie when its August. I think people should have to pass a test before they can become parents OR adopt animals.  
   

Annoyances

1. Unless you want me to ram my cart into yours as hard as I possibly can...do not under any circumstances go in the "Speedy checkout" 20 items or less lane if you have like 2340634064 things in your cart.

2. Put an effing coat on your freaking kids!!!!!! It's February! In Utah! Holy shit. Mother of the year award absolutely does not go to you. Quit eating Pringles and Twinkies...and pay attention to the fact that your kids arms are purple from being so cold.

3. Strawberries go bad too fast

10 things about me

1. I pick my nose. A lot. I don't give a shit who sees me.
2. If I could eat whatever I wanted as much as I wanted and it was wayyy sexy to be 800 pounds...I would
3. I really really like the smell of gasoline
4. When I was little I wanted to grow up to be Sleeping Beauty
5. I have 2 birthmarks. If the beauty mark above my lip counts as a birthmark...then I have 3
6. Little kids usually annoy the crap out of me
7. Working out makes me fart
8. If I could make out with Megan Fox I would
9. I could easily get a boob job again and go even BIGGER
10. My husband is the love of my life

I'm falling apart!!!!

If you want to get romantic with your significant other... I suggest you do not pull your groin. Last night Ryan and I were laying in bed...the night before Valentines..wanting to get a lil freaky. I go to get out of bed and I kinda swung my leg out from underneath the sheets. Um, I totally freaked the eff out because my crotch was on fire. I thought in the past I had pulled a muscle. No no no..I was severely mistaken. I now know I had never pulled a muscle. Last night was not romantic after that. I was busy crying my eyes out and icing my vagina. I now have a limp swagger...

Oh! And a little side note. Ryan and I ran into my ex husbands evil ugly Satan mom last night. I did the adult thing and walked over and punched her in the face. Ok...I didn't do that. But, in my mind I did it 5 times.

Monday likes and dislikes 19

Likes
1. Red Robin. I cannot wait to get off of work tonight. Ryan and I are celebrating V-Day tonight since he is working tomorrow. I want Red Robin. Their burger with the fried egg on it is genius! Genius I say!
2. I consider celebrating a holiday a "free day"...meaning everything I eat is calorie free, sugar free, fat free...
3. I love my dogs. There is no one in the world that will greet you at the door when you get home and literally be bouncing up and down from excitement. If I have had a bad day, Molly and Crockett cheer me up the second I walk through that door.

Dislikes
1. When did the music industry become so effing weird? I watched the Grammy's (regretfully) last night. Holy shit. I swear they were all competing to be the weirdest. There is no Grammy for being disturbing and effing weird as fuck. Nicki Minaj made me want to stab my eardrums and eyeballs with a wire hanger. Instead though I just changed the channel.
2. Why does everyone like Chris Brown? He is a woman beater. And even if he didn't do that, I would still hate his stupid guts. He thinks he is the shit. When really all I want to do is take a shit on his front porch, light it on fire, and run away. He is an ego maniac. He tries to have this swagger and it makes me want to punch him in the face, but first light my fist on fire.
3. And lastly...I very much dislike it when I am out of Cracklin Oat Bran

Words Heather hates

For your entertainment and to hit you with a little knowledge...I have made you a list of words and phrases I detest. Here we go!

1. Bear with me. Or is it bare? Either way...I hate it
2. Whoot
3. Just sayin'
4. Hecka (I don't care if you are Mormon or not)
5. Hella
6. Everything happens for a reason
7. God only gives you as much as you can handle
8. Booyah
9. Totes (unless you are Paul Rudd...don't say it)
10. Welp
11. Honestly... example "Honestly, I love these cheetos"
12. To tell you the truth
13. Etcetera, etcetera

Wednesday thoughts

1. I seriously get so effing pissed when I go to take a drink out of my water cup and ITS ALL GONE. I feel like I am going to knock down my cubicle and scream at the top of my lungs. How does my water cup get empty so fast? I just fucking filled it up!!??

2. Ryan mentioned this morning as I walked into our bathroom half naked that my bra looks like a "grandma bra". Men want all of us to strut around in sexy slut bras and panties and look like Victorias Secret models. Well, guess what? That bra is the most comfortable ugly bra in the entire world! I'm never taking it off! AND it was $10 at Ross. So kiss my ass.

3. How long have computers been around? 30 years or something? Learn how to navigate a website!!! Its not a mother effing rubik's cube for Hell's sake. It is not my job to teach you where the Esc button is or where the web browser is. Unless you are 80 years old and have dentures. Learn that shit.

4. Working out makes me fart. There is no way around it. If you workout with me or around me...this is your warning.

5. Generic cheese its are 50 billion times better than the real thing and $2 cheaper.