Truck drivers beware

As I was tiredly driving myself to work this morning I was suddenly woken up by an intense jolt of anger and determination. Some huge douche lord in a ginormous truck was weaving in and out of traffic going at least 15 mph over the speed limit. Well, man in a huge truck...with a little penis cut me off then like three other people in front of me. I was so pissed. Like beyond pissed. How dare you scare the living shit out of me while I am minding my own business, listening to Radio From Hell, and drinking my coffee. I wanted to follow him. And trust me...I have done it before. But, here was the problem. Mr. tool bag was driving way way fast and out of control. I wasn't about to drive like that and risk spilling my coffee. I mean, I paid $1.47 for it.

So, instead I decided to say a prayer to the Lord above that he would make this mans wenis fall off today out of no where. He'll be chillin at work and all of the sudden he'll be like "woah woah woah! did my penis just fall off?" Yeah dude, it did.

My husband drives a huge truck. He seems like a pretty decent driver. But, I swear to baby Jesus that if he starts driving like the man without his wiener, I will punch him straight in the face. I mean, what if someone also says a prayer that HIS penis falls off? Then what good would he be?

All I am saying is that anyone driving a huge lifted truck needs to practice safe driving. Oh! And if you drive a truck and you have those testicles hanging from the back of it...I will personally see to it that you have your own testicles hanging from your rear view mirror.

Monday likes and dislikes 5

I hope you all had a lovely weekend! Mine had it's ups and downs.

Likes
- Coffee. I could have a love affair with coffee if it had the right anatomy. 
-Banana cream pie from Marie Calendars. She is one bad ass bitch. She makes the best freaking pies. I want to marry her. 
-My bed. If you need a new mattress then go to Ikea. Also get the extra pad that goes on top. It's like sleeping on a beautiful cloud in Heaven.
- Laying out. Since I don't live in Hawaii, I like to play the game of pretend. I close my eyes, get an alcoholic beverage, pay my husband (in sexual favors)to wear a grass skirt and play with fire sticks, put a sound track of the ocean on, and have a jolly good time. But actually I am lying and I just lay out at a friends community condo pool. 
- Waking up to my Crockett sitting on the bed next to me wanting a big hug :) 

Dislikes
- Steam cleaning my carpet.
-Steam cleaning my carpet and Molly deciding it would be like totally awesome to take a massive stinky shit right next to me. 
- Steam cleaning my carpet, Molly shitting next to me, me going ape shit and saying the fuck word 3103541564645 times, Molly getting scared and stepping in her own feces and smooshing it into my carpet and then running all over getting it all over. 
-Having my freshly steam cleaned carpets smell like the Hogle Zoo
- Realizing my Mormon neighbors are outside with their kids and my front door was open the entire time.

Summer yard

Awhile back I posted some pictures of my yard this Spring. Well now I have a present for you! Summer yard pictures woo hoo! I think all the flowers are beautiful and I am in love.

I love how Molly was in the pictures

Ryans gnomey and our newly painted porch. Its just discolored because Ryan watered the plants

I love our pathway

I love this paint. We are going to do the driveway too eventually.

This is the stuff we used: Quikrete was the brand. It's called semi-transparent concrete stain and the color was Vaquero Brown I think. We bought a gallon and didn't even use half of it and its only like $20.

Crockett and Molly  being cute

We have had so many compliments on our cement. It classes up the place I'd say!

Trends are stupid

I have never really been one to follow trends. I like what I like whether its outdated or not the "in" thing. Utah has this weird ass thing about it...when there is a new trend Utahans "beat it to death" as my dear friend Natalie put it. For example: FEATHER EXTENSIONS. If I see another 50 year old woman with a fucking hot pink feather in her hair, I might just die. Are we poultry? Are women wearing them because they are hoping to fly? Or maybe its to spot other birds in your flock. I want to murder this trend. I want to find all the feather extensions and put them in a huge pile, cover them in feces, and then burn them to death.

Jeans, shirts, hats with bling. Basically anything at Buckle. I want to cover Buckle in feces and burn it to death. Unless you are in a beauty pageant or a drag queen, there is no reason for the sequins or fake diamonds that are scattered all over your Affliction or Sinful shirt. Its like a sequin fairy had explosive diarrhea all over your shirt. Let me tell you something...you look stupid.

Jeans with white stitching. Like, huge, white, thick stitching. Again, Buckle probably sells it. Ugliest shit ever. The worst is when women wear these jeans and cuff them. Can I be the voice of reason? Buy effing capris! It looks so idiotic to buy jeans and then have a humongous cuff as thick as a tree trunk. The worst is someone who not only does the cuff, but the jeans are blinged out and have the white stitching. Gag me.

 

Anything Ed Hardy or Christian Audigier. When I see you wearing this kind of stuff, not only do I laugh at you, but it instantly reminds me of the cast of Jersey Shore or John Gosselin. Neither one of those are things you want to look like. Cover yourself in feces and light yourself on fire.

Tank tops over a t-shirt. I know you are trying to be modest or something, but it looks bad. Either wear a tank top or a t-shirt. Not both at the same time. While you're at it, put on some jeans and some shorts.

Okay my readers. Please don't take offense to this post. Just listen to me. It'll be good for you and everyone that has to look at you. Amen.

Monday likes and dislikes 4

I didn't work Monday because of the 4th of July. I usually stay off the computer when I am at home. I like to spend my time at home with my husband and my dogs. So here is my Monday/Tuesday likes and dislikes:

DISLIKES
- Waking up with a huge zit the size of planet Earth on my face. It was so big it probably had zits orbiting around it. Not to mention it was on the most attractive spot EVER....just to the left of my lower lip. DEAD SEXY. Mmmm. And it's effing hurty. I am 26 and I am still getting acne. This is bullshit man. Bullshit.


-Neighbors still doing fireworks at 11:30 PM. It was right outside my bedroom window. I have to work at 7 AM dammit to hell. I had dreams of being in WWII and I got shot to death.

-The RSL fireworks. They were so freaking lame I can't even explain. Everyone was leaving during them!

-Leaving my husband and going back to work after a 3 day weekend :(

LIKES
- Spending a 3 day weekend with Ryan and my puppies. I love them so much!
- Going to the RSL game with my family. It was so fun!
-Snow cones!!!!! Tigers Blood duh! Winning!


Here are some silly pictures from the soccer game :)