I am an immature idiot. Everyone that is lucky enough to know me gets to see that on a daily basis. 2 nights ago I got a text from a number I didn't know. I don't get why this happens because I've had the same number for like 7 years. Anyways...here is how it played out:
Him: Hey What's up
Me: Who is this?
Him: Josh
Me: I don't know a Josh
Him: Is this not Megan?
Me: Yes it is, but my husband found out about us
Him: What?
Me: I'm so sorry you had to find out this way...
Him: Found out what about us?
Me: That I am in love with you
Him: Wait, who is this really?
Me: Hello? Are you not hearing me? I love you. It's Megan.
Him: Send a pic
So at this point...I had a few choices. I decided to go with the most awesome one. My friend who is a very manly buff man...put on my bra and some tiny tiny shorts, put his finger in his mouth, and looked as sexy as possible for the picture of Megan I was sending to my new friend.
He then texted back: haha real funny
Me: What? You don't love me back? That's so rude to lead me on.
My new friend would not respond after that. I thought it was pretty rude.
My Life
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Thou shalt not scam
You hear of scammers all the time. Today at work I had more than one call with people having their credit cards stolen and needing to change their information with us.
People are dishonest assholes. And also people are just assholes. I am an asshole, but a smart one.
This stupid guy tried to scam me today. I guess you would have to be really stupid to fall for this shit.
I am selling my wedding dress online and I get a text that asks if I still have my dress, and if so, what condition is it in.
I said yes I do. It is in almost perfect condition.
Asshole says this: Ok that's great. and sorry for my late response. This is Steven Landsbury. I will offer you $80 for shipping and handling and $200 for the dress. And am paying you via Pay Pal Payment. I am located in Riverton, Utah, but I am currently out of state on an Official Assignment to California. I am purchasing it for my daughter as a wedding gift who lives in Houston, TX.
Me: Sorry, cash only.
Asshole: OMG!!! Ohhh...I understand how you feel. I promise if you can help me I will pay for the shipping including the item fees and any order charges and that is why I said we should use Pay Pal for the Payment cuz it's easier, faster, safer, and secure for both the sellers. And buyers online fastest way to pay and 100% fraud free for more info log on to www.paypal.com. Please I am really interested in this.
Me: Sorry, cash only.
Asshole: Nothing.
What do you think? Am I paranoid? Did I just lose $200?
People are dishonest assholes. And also people are just assholes. I am an asshole, but a smart one.
This stupid guy tried to scam me today. I guess you would have to be really stupid to fall for this shit.
I am selling my wedding dress online and I get a text that asks if I still have my dress, and if so, what condition is it in.
I said yes I do. It is in almost perfect condition.
Asshole says this: Ok that's great. and sorry for my late response. This is Steven Landsbury. I will offer you $80 for shipping and handling and $200 for the dress. And am paying you via Pay Pal Payment. I am located in Riverton, Utah, but I am currently out of state on an Official Assignment to California. I am purchasing it for my daughter as a wedding gift who lives in Houston, TX.
Me: Sorry, cash only.
Asshole: OMG!!! Ohhh...I understand how you feel. I promise if you can help me I will pay for the shipping including the item fees and any order charges and that is why I said we should use Pay Pal for the Payment cuz it's easier, faster, safer, and secure for both the sellers. And buyers online fastest way to pay and 100% fraud free for more info log on to www.paypal.com. Please I am really interested in this.
Me: Sorry, cash only.
Asshole: Nothing.
What do you think? Am I paranoid? Did I just lose $200?
Friday, July 26, 2013
I am tired plus I am stupid
I was tired today. And I am normally pretty stupid. Put those together and you get a great blog post.
My work has a door that you have to have a key fob to get into it. Therefor, I have to take my keys into the potty with me so I can get back in. I had to pee. I went to the bathroom and because I am Heather, I hit the UNLOCK button on my car keys and then proceeded to open the bathroom stall door.
DO. NOT. ASK. ME.
I have no answers for my stupidity.
My work has a door that you have to have a key fob to get into it. Therefor, I have to take my keys into the potty with me so I can get back in. I had to pee. I went to the bathroom and because I am Heather, I hit the UNLOCK button on my car keys and then proceeded to open the bathroom stall door.
DO. NOT. ASK. ME.
I have no answers for my stupidity.
Friday, July 19, 2013
If you don't like poop stories..you are dumb
I am a dirty bitch. I really am. I like poop and farts. They are funny. My Dad would be appalled and say he didn't raise me that way. He would say I am crude. And I am.
Ryan and I went to his family reunion a little over a week ago. It was a 14 hour drive. I hate road trips. Not to mention we had our 6 month old with us. He did better on the drive than I did. I would get out every hour and spend an hour wandering around if I could.
After I had Isaiah I was bound and determined to lose all the baby weight plus some more. I have been eating really clean. I have actually lost 41 pounds toot toot. (tooting my own horn) As you know, on a road trip there aren't a lot of healthy food options and I ate one too many Subway sandwiches. We stopped at a KFC. For some reason it sounded healthier than a burger joint. I ordered some chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, and coleslaw. BAD IDEA.
Not soon after we left I wasn't feeling too hot. That goes along with eating like shit though. Well after awhile I started feeling some percolating going on. I felt some rumblings. It was happening. I had to shit. And of course we were in the middle of fucking no where. I thought I could hold it. But, it was getting worse and worse. I got to the point where I was like "Ryan pull over." He said there was no where to pull over. I didn't give a shit if people saw what was going to happen. I said "Ryan it hurts!" He said he would stop at the next place he could see. I said "Ryan I am getting the fucking sweats!" And I was. I was sweating. It was horrible. I felt like I was going to give birth to Satan's spawn out of my butt.
I was praying. I am not sure if it was out loud or not. I was too busy trying not to shit all over my car. There is a God. I am telling you right now there is a God. He put a Mexican restaurant in the middle of no where. We stopped at that angelic restaurant and I ran as fast as I could while squeezing my butt cheeks together. I had made it. It was glorious.
I can't go into detail on here everything else that happened. But it was horrible. As I had discovered before, there is a God. But, he hates me. He laughed at me that day I think. And I am pretty sure when I walked out of that place all the workers called me a "perra sucia".
KFC is the devil. And so are road trips.
Ryan and I went to his family reunion a little over a week ago. It was a 14 hour drive. I hate road trips. Not to mention we had our 6 month old with us. He did better on the drive than I did. I would get out every hour and spend an hour wandering around if I could.
After I had Isaiah I was bound and determined to lose all the baby weight plus some more. I have been eating really clean. I have actually lost 41 pounds toot toot. (tooting my own horn) As you know, on a road trip there aren't a lot of healthy food options and I ate one too many Subway sandwiches. We stopped at a KFC. For some reason it sounded healthier than a burger joint. I ordered some chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, and coleslaw. BAD IDEA.
Not soon after we left I wasn't feeling too hot. That goes along with eating like shit though. Well after awhile I started feeling some percolating going on. I felt some rumblings. It was happening. I had to shit. And of course we were in the middle of fucking no where. I thought I could hold it. But, it was getting worse and worse. I got to the point where I was like "Ryan pull over." He said there was no where to pull over. I didn't give a shit if people saw what was going to happen. I said "Ryan it hurts!" He said he would stop at the next place he could see. I said "Ryan I am getting the fucking sweats!" And I was. I was sweating. It was horrible. I felt like I was going to give birth to Satan's spawn out of my butt.
I was praying. I am not sure if it was out loud or not. I was too busy trying not to shit all over my car. There is a God. I am telling you right now there is a God. He put a Mexican restaurant in the middle of no where. We stopped at that angelic restaurant and I ran as fast as I could while squeezing my butt cheeks together. I had made it. It was glorious.
I can't go into detail on here everything else that happened. But it was horrible. As I had discovered before, there is a God. But, he hates me. He laughed at me that day I think. And I am pretty sure when I walked out of that place all the workers called me a "perra sucia".
KFC is the devil. And so are road trips.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Cracked out crack head
I needed some Spanx. I am a curvy girl. I need me some Spanx. So I went shopping on my break for some. When I got back to my work I got out of my car and a guy passes me. He says "Don't worry. I have stupid fucking tattoos too." I whip my head around in shock and say "Excuse me?" Crack head says to me "You heard me. I have stupid pointless fucking tattoos too." I was seriously so caught off guard. I said "First of all, my tattoos aren't stupid and most definitely aren't pointless. And I didn't ask your opinion." Then he starts screaming ''YOUR TATTOOS ARE IRRELEVANT!!!" I just couldn't believe this was happening. Is this real life? I basically just told him to go to hell and I walked inside my work building. I wanted to knock him the eff out. Lucky for him I was wearing a short dress and 5 inch heels. Bastard.
It gets better.
So I am sitting at my desk stewing over this asshole. After freaking out on me, he walked to the Walmart right by my work. I watched out my work window for him to see if he came back this way. Maybe he worked in my building. I was planning on getting him in trouble with his boss or something.
He did come back and his car was parked right in front of the building outside my window. He sat in there for about 10 minutes and then got out. He proceeded to open his front door and close it then open his back door and close it over and over. My co-workers and I were like "what in the hell is he doing?" He was definitely on something. Then he pulls out a bag and puts it on his trunk. The bag falls and some salads fall out. We watched him scoop the salad back in the container and put the lid back on and put it all back in the bag. Then he pulls out another bag from his car and we realize as he is walking towards the building that it is our office lunch order for our meeting!!!!!
I think about it for a minute...I got back from my break at 11:45 am when he freaked out on me. Then he got back from Walmart and didn't bring the food inside until around 12:20. So our food had been sitting in over 90 degree weather for like 40 minutes. Not to mention he spilled it on the ground and scooped up the food that fell and put it back.
I got my manager and he got the girl who placed the order. We called the owner of the restaurant. I told him everything that happened from the crazy rant he made to me and then leaving the food in his hot car forever and then dropping it on the ground. We got a whole new order and he got fired :)
It gets better.
I was outside that day at work right in front of the doors. A gust of wind came. I was wearing a dress. And yes, it blew my ENTIRE dress up. Like over my face. I was screaming and trying to put it down. 3 people that work in my office walked out ( all men) right when it happened. They started laughing and clapping. THANK GOD FOR SPANX. What if I didn't wear them that day and they saw my bare ass? That would've been horrible for them. They would've been scarred for life.
That was my day. But I got to see Tim McGraw that night. I wonder if he likes spanx.
It gets better.
So I am sitting at my desk stewing over this asshole. After freaking out on me, he walked to the Walmart right by my work. I watched out my work window for him to see if he came back this way. Maybe he worked in my building. I was planning on getting him in trouble with his boss or something.
He did come back and his car was parked right in front of the building outside my window. He sat in there for about 10 minutes and then got out. He proceeded to open his front door and close it then open his back door and close it over and over. My co-workers and I were like "what in the hell is he doing?" He was definitely on something. Then he pulls out a bag and puts it on his trunk. The bag falls and some salads fall out. We watched him scoop the salad back in the container and put the lid back on and put it all back in the bag. Then he pulls out another bag from his car and we realize as he is walking towards the building that it is our office lunch order for our meeting!!!!!
I think about it for a minute...I got back from my break at 11:45 am when he freaked out on me. Then he got back from Walmart and didn't bring the food inside until around 12:20. So our food had been sitting in over 90 degree weather for like 40 minutes. Not to mention he spilled it on the ground and scooped up the food that fell and put it back.
I got my manager and he got the girl who placed the order. We called the owner of the restaurant. I told him everything that happened from the crazy rant he made to me and then leaving the food in his hot car forever and then dropping it on the ground. We got a whole new order and he got fired :)
It gets better.
I was outside that day at work right in front of the doors. A gust of wind came. I was wearing a dress. And yes, it blew my ENTIRE dress up. Like over my face. I was screaming and trying to put it down. 3 people that work in my office walked out ( all men) right when it happened. They started laughing and clapping. THANK GOD FOR SPANX. What if I didn't wear them that day and they saw my bare ass? That would've been horrible for them. They would've been scarred for life.
That was my day. But I got to see Tim McGraw that night. I wonder if he likes spanx.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Wrong number...wanna hang out?
Yesterday morning I had a missed call from a number I didn't know. I decided to call it back because I am selling a few things on ksl. This is how the conversation went:
Me: I had a missed call from this number about a half hour ago
Him: Hmmm, I don't remember. What is your name?
Me: Heather
Him: What's your last name?
Me: Mitchell
Him: Did you go to Brighton
Me: Uhhh no.
Him: Hmmm I don't know. Sorry, I guess I dialed the wrong number
Me: Ok, bye.
Then like 5 minutes later he decided to text me.
Him: Sorry about that LOL
Me: It's ok
Him: You sound familiar...how old are you?
Me: 28
Him: Do you live in SLC?
At this point I decide to mess with him because I am immature and bored.
Me: No
Him: Do you party or like to go out?
Me: Noooooo, I just had a baby and I am depressed and old and saggy. Do you want to take me out????
Him: 28 isn't old. I am 27 and feel young.
Me: Well, I am a single mom of 6 kids and I have to strip to make a living. But, all I want to do is my dream of being a baton twirler.
After that he never texted me back. I think I took it too far with the baton twirling...
Me: I had a missed call from this number about a half hour ago
Him: Hmmm, I don't remember. What is your name?
Me: Heather
Him: What's your last name?
Me: Mitchell
Him: Did you go to Brighton
Me: Uhhh no.
Him: Hmmm I don't know. Sorry, I guess I dialed the wrong number
Me: Ok, bye.
Then like 5 minutes later he decided to text me.
Him: Sorry about that LOL
Me: It's ok
Him: You sound familiar...how old are you?
Me: 28
Him: Do you live in SLC?
At this point I decide to mess with him because I am immature and bored.
Me: No
Him: Do you party or like to go out?
Me: Noooooo, I just had a baby and I am depressed and old and saggy. Do you want to take me out????
Him: 28 isn't old. I am 27 and feel young.
Me: Well, I am a single mom of 6 kids and I have to strip to make a living. But, all I want to do is my dream of being a baton twirler.
After that he never texted me back. I think I took it too far with the baton twirling...
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Boobies make me smile
I am the pervert lady down the street. I discovered this a few days ago.
It was later on at night maybe 8 or so and I had just gotten done gardening and then grocery shopping. I don't wear stilettos and a push up bra to garden in FYI. I wear shorts with stains and a shirt that says "Boobies make me smile".
Ryan bought me this shirt a few years ago as a joke and I love it.
This is what happened...and I feel horrible. Kinda.
So I had just gotten done doing the gardening and grocery store stuff. I heard a knock at the door. I answered it and this cute little boy, maybe 11 or so, was standing there. He asked me if I would be a pledge for his track meet. I could pledge $1 or more for every lap he ran. The whole time we were talking he had this goofy grin on his face. I just thought he was being a weird kid.
No.
I had a shirt on that said Boobies make me smile. Of course an 11 year old boy thought it was funny. I realized after I went back inside that I had the shirt on. I bet his parents won't let him come over anymore.
It was later on at night maybe 8 or so and I had just gotten done gardening and then grocery shopping. I don't wear stilettos and a push up bra to garden in FYI. I wear shorts with stains and a shirt that says "Boobies make me smile".
Ryan bought me this shirt a few years ago as a joke and I love it.
So I had just gotten done doing the gardening and grocery store stuff. I heard a knock at the door. I answered it and this cute little boy, maybe 11 or so, was standing there. He asked me if I would be a pledge for his track meet. I could pledge $1 or more for every lap he ran. The whole time we were talking he had this goofy grin on his face. I just thought he was being a weird kid.
No.
I had a shirt on that said Boobies make me smile. Of course an 11 year old boy thought it was funny. I realized after I went back inside that I had the shirt on. I bet his parents won't let him come over anymore.
Monday, May 6, 2013
We share
The other night I am getting ready for bed. Isaiah is on a great sleeping schedule now. Sleeping 7-8 hours a night. So I am pretty much over my sleep deprivation. This time I am blaming Ryan and his sleep deprivation. Or maybe he is color blind. Either way...this is what went down.
As I was saying...I was getting ready for bed. Went into the bathroom to brush my pearly whites. And my toothbrush was wet. Why was it wet? I hadn't used it. Right? I thought about it to make sure I wasn't crazy. I decided I am not crazy. Here is my convo with Ryan.
Me: Babe did you use my toothbrush?
Ryan: No, I used mine.
Me: My toothbrush is wet.
Ryan: I dunno babe. I used my toothbrush.
So I grabbed my toothbrush and took it over to him.
Me: Did you use this one?
Ryan: Yes. That is mine.
Me: NO IT ISN'T!!!!!!!! This is mine! I told you 2 weeks ago that I got you a new one.
Ryan: Oops...
Me: So we have been using the same toothbrush for how long???????????
Then we laughed like a couple of idiots and I shrugged my shoulders and then I burned my toothbrush. No no no I am just kidding. I love Ryan and all his germs. But seriously. He is using HIS toothbrush now.
As I was saying...I was getting ready for bed. Went into the bathroom to brush my pearly whites. And my toothbrush was wet. Why was it wet? I hadn't used it. Right? I thought about it to make sure I wasn't crazy. I decided I am not crazy. Here is my convo with Ryan.
Me: Babe did you use my toothbrush?
Ryan: No, I used mine.
Me: My toothbrush is wet.
Ryan: I dunno babe. I used my toothbrush.
So I grabbed my toothbrush and took it over to him.
Me: Did you use this one?
Ryan: Yes. That is mine.
Me: NO IT ISN'T!!!!!!!! This is mine! I told you 2 weeks ago that I got you a new one.
Ryan: Oops...
Me: So we have been using the same toothbrush for how long???????????
Then we laughed like a couple of idiots and I shrugged my shoulders and then I burned my toothbrush. No no no I am just kidding. I love Ryan and all his germs. But seriously. He is using HIS toothbrush now.
Friday, March 22, 2013
After pregnancy brain
So..2 months ago I had my wonderful bundle of joy Isaiah. I love him so much it makes my heart almost explode. How is it that I can stare at him all day and not get anything done and never get sick of it? Or smell and kiss his little toes every single time I change him? I love watching him sleep and smelling his breath. I have aready taken a gazillion pictures of him. He is simply wonderful. Perfect. Being a Mom is the best thing I can think of. It makes me in a dream like state 24-7. Life is awesome.
The sleep deprivation IS worth it. So is my fat ass.
My Mom told me to write down the things I do on a daily basis from being so damn tired. So here we go:
1) Got fully naked to shower...or so I thought. NOPE, just kidding. I still had my undies on. Somehow I didn't realize I still had the huge granny panties on that you have to wear. Ew. I can't believe I admitted I wore granny panties. I have no shame.
2) Looked all over my room for the remote....picked up said remote...put it back down...continued to look for the remote.
3) Put my panties on inside out.
4) Stubbed my toes on anything and everything from walking around like a walker from Walking Dead. Can you die and come back to life from sleep deprivation?
5) Feeding Isaiah...put bottle down to burp him...pick up bottle to feed him again..put bottle to his mouth...realize it's the remote.
6) Laugh hysterically for no reason then can't stop. Keep laughing for no reason all alone.
7) Isaiah spits up on me all over my neck, shoulder, and hair. Tell myself I will clean it up when I am done feeding him. Forget. Walk around the rest of the day with crispy vomit hair.
8) Isaiah wakes up in the middle of the night to eat. I get up, get a bottle, open the formula which has a scoop inside it. Go to the drawer, get a spoon, start filling his bottle with the spoon instead of the scoop. Realize I am a dumbass.
Isaiah laughed for the first time today. It makes everything worth it. I would do this all over again. I love him so much that I just cry sometimes. I get so overwhelmed with happiness and love. You cannot explain the love you have for a child to someone else unless they have one of their own. Someone without kids just wouldn't understand.
Here is a picture of me and Isaiah. My Bubba Gump.
The sleep deprivation IS worth it. So is my fat ass.
My Mom told me to write down the things I do on a daily basis from being so damn tired. So here we go:
1) Got fully naked to shower...or so I thought. NOPE, just kidding. I still had my undies on. Somehow I didn't realize I still had the huge granny panties on that you have to wear. Ew. I can't believe I admitted I wore granny panties. I have no shame.
2) Looked all over my room for the remote....picked up said remote...put it back down...continued to look for the remote.
3) Put my panties on inside out.
4) Stubbed my toes on anything and everything from walking around like a walker from Walking Dead. Can you die and come back to life from sleep deprivation?
5) Feeding Isaiah...put bottle down to burp him...pick up bottle to feed him again..put bottle to his mouth...realize it's the remote.
6) Laugh hysterically for no reason then can't stop. Keep laughing for no reason all alone.
7) Isaiah spits up on me all over my neck, shoulder, and hair. Tell myself I will clean it up when I am done feeding him. Forget. Walk around the rest of the day with crispy vomit hair.
8) Isaiah wakes up in the middle of the night to eat. I get up, get a bottle, open the formula which has a scoop inside it. Go to the drawer, get a spoon, start filling his bottle with the spoon instead of the scoop. Realize I am a dumbass.
Isaiah laughed for the first time today. It makes everything worth it. I would do this all over again. I love him so much that I just cry sometimes. I get so overwhelmed with happiness and love. You cannot explain the love you have for a child to someone else unless they have one of their own. Someone without kids just wouldn't understand.
Here is a picture of me and Isaiah. My Bubba Gump.
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