If you don't like poop stories..you are dumb

I am a dirty bitch. I really am. I like poop and farts. They are funny. My Dad would be appalled and say he didn't raise me that way. He would say I am crude. And I am.

Ryan and I went to his family reunion a little over a week ago. It was a 14 hour drive. I hate road trips. Not to mention we had our 6 month old with us. He did better on the drive than I did. I would get out every hour and spend an hour wandering around if I could.

After I had Isaiah I was bound and determined to lose all the baby weight plus some more. I have been eating really clean. I have actually lost 41 pounds toot toot. (tooting my own horn) As you know, on a road trip there aren't a lot of healthy food options and I ate one too many Subway sandwiches. We stopped at a KFC. For some reason it sounded healthier than a burger joint. I ordered some chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, and coleslaw. BAD IDEA.

Not soon after we left I wasn't feeling too hot. That goes along with eating like shit though. Well after awhile I started feeling some percolating going on. I felt some rumblings. It was happening. I had to shit. And of course we were in the middle of fucking no where. I thought I could hold it. But, it was getting worse and worse. I got to the point where I was like "Ryan pull over." He said there was no where to pull over. I didn't give a shit if people saw what was going to happen. I said "Ryan it hurts!" He said he would stop at the next place he could see. I said "Ryan I am getting the fucking sweats!" And I was. I was sweating. It was horrible. I felt like I was going to give birth to Satan's spawn out of my butt.

I was praying. I am not sure if it was out loud or not. I was too busy trying not to shit all over my car. There is a God. I am telling you right now there is a God. He put a Mexican restaurant in the middle of no where. We stopped at that angelic restaurant and I ran as fast as I could while squeezing my butt cheeks together. I had made it. It was glorious.

I can't go into detail on here everything else that happened. But it was horrible. As I had discovered before, there is a God. But, he hates me. He laughed at me that day I think. And I am pretty sure when I walked out of that place all the workers called me a "perra sucia".

KFC is the devil. And so are road trips.