What a shitty ass butthole morning

I woke up this morning disoriented and needing to pee like most mornings. If you know me then you know I despise morning. I hate it. I would gladly sleep in until 11 each day. Too bad I am not Paris Hilton and born with a silver spoon up my ass. I have to be to work at 7 AM each morning which means I have to get up around 5:45-6 am. Well, Ryan and I stayed up too late last night watching Game Of Thrones season finale. It's on HBO and is wayyyy good fyi.

So it was a little harder for me to get up this morning. I hit snooze until about 6:20. I finally got my ass out of bed, peed, got dressed, washed my face, brushed my nasty ass cat litter morning breath, and went into the kitchen to get my food ready that I was going to eat that day.

My shoes were in the spare bedroom closet because I have a lot of shoes and I have begged and begged Ryan to let me turn that room into a closet and he always says no. If he had a vagina he would most definitely say yes. Sooooooo I get my shoes. I sit in the Hallway to put on my shoes and put my hand in nice saturated carpet. I sniffed my hand. It stunk like dog piss. I know it wasn't Crockett because he is the most well behaved and trained dog you will probably ever meet. So obviously it was my 5 month old puppy Molly.

Molly is a Great Pyrenees and a really smart girl. She picked up sit and stay in like 10 minutes of training her. She has been doing really really good on potty training too. So much that we quit crating her at night and are letting her sleep with us. About a week ago she got fixed and also had her dew claws removed. Apparently she decided at the Vet that she was going to punish me and Ryan by turning our house into her own personal bathroom. She has pooped in the house 3 times which is more than she has ever pooped in the house since she was 6 weeks old. She also I am guessing has peed although I haven't noticed it except for this morning.

I cleaned up her pee and gathered up my stuff to head off to work. Molly took a GIGANTIC SHIT right by the garage door. I freaked the fuck out and ran into my room to get her. She was hiding on the side of the bed by Ryan who was sound asleep. He sits up and is like "Did she do something wrong?" YES SHE DID SOMETHING WRONG! SHE PISSED ON THE FLOOR AND TOOK A MASSIVE SHIT ON THE CARPET. AND I LOOK UGLY TODAY AND THAT IS HER FAULT TOO!!!!! So I literally had to drag my 5 month old 60 pound dog to her poop and scream and yell and then kick her ass outside. I picked up the poo and told Ryan to steam clean the whole effing house. Here is me this morning:

After all the commotion I put Molly in her crate and stormed out of the house. I put all my shit in my car and backed out of the garage. I soon realize God wants me to have a TERRIBLE day. The garage door remote control thing won't close the door. So I have to run into the garage, hit the button, then like a fairy Olympic person, I have to jump over the laser things so the garage door will close. As I am doing this my phone falls out of my jacket pocket and breaks into 3 pieces. And not only did it break and fall on the ground.. it fell underneath the car. I had to get on my hands and knees and crawl under the car kind of to get my POS phone. Thank God it still works. I was already on the verge of a total freakout meltdown and if my phone didn't work that would've sent me over for sure. I am sure my neighbors heard my eff bombs out in the driveway. Ask me if I care?

How was your morning? Do not smile at me this morning because I will  punch you in the face. There is no reason to be smiling at 7 AM. Unless you are Paris Hilton.