I am going to tell you a story. It might be real. It might not be real. Let me take you back....back into time................................................................
When I was a young girl of 19 I was dating a boy named Bruce (names have all been changed for privacy and shame) Bruce was a nice guy and really good looking. We were old friends from middle school and high school. It just so happened that he had a PSYCHO girlfriend named Ugly Face during those times. She wouldn't let him talk to girls even if it was a girl with a penis. If I just walked by him and looked his way, I would get major stink eye. Well, me and Bruce were dating after catching up at a party once where there was NO underage drinking at all. And I was ABSOLUTELY, under no circumstances drinking that night.
It was easy to date him because we had been friends for quite a long time and plus he was very attractive. After about 3 or so months of dating..I was at the mall with my beautiful son and a girl friend of mine. We were innocently chatting away eating our humongous pieces of Sbarro pizza when all of a sudden...Ugly Face marches right up to me...inches from my face and practically screams for everyone to hear "ARE YOU FUCKING BRUCE???!!!!" I being the mature 19 year old that I was politely and calmly said "I am dating him, but if we do have a sex life, that is none of your business." I think she wanted to punch me, but there were too many witnesses. As she walked away I threw a few pepperonis at her and giggled because she was stupid.
I did not want that kind of drama in my life and I didn't want to deal with crazy ex girlfriend Ugly Face. So I broke up with Bruce. I moved on and had a new boyfriend named Collin. After having Gabe I had disgusting National Geographic boobs. I got a nice new set of boobies a little bit after dating Collin. It wasn't some easy peasy surgery where they just pop in the implants. I had a lift too. It was painful as shit and I had to take a lot of time off work and I couldn't even wipe my vadge without help. In the end though it was worth it because there are now glorious. So approximately 1 week after surgery I got a knock at the door. Me and Collin were just watching Jeopardy or something. I went to the door and guess who was standing there? UGLY FACE! She started screaming at the top of her lungs about how her and Bruce were back together and they have an STD and that they are blaming me. I told her,"1st of all I always used protection and second of all after figuring out you and Bruce were still bumping uglies, I got tested. And guess what ugly? It was NEGATIVE for anything." And it was. Well except it did read AWESOME in large amounts.
Now, keep in mind I had just had a pretty major surgery and was all stitched and stapled up. And my tits were wrapped up like I was as a freaking boob mummy. Ugly Face pulled me out of my house onto the porch and proceeded to punch me in the face and knock me off the porch into the grass. I let her do what she wanted because I was worried about booby 1 and 2. She beat the shit out of me. It is not a fond memory. Collin came out after he realized what the hell was going on and pulled her off of me and told her to get the fuck outta there. As she was leaving she was screaming that she was going to find me, blow my car up, set my house on fire, blah blah blah. I called the cops and they got statements from neighbors, me, and Collin. They took pictures of all my owies and said they would be in touch. I pressed charges on that lunatic bitch.
She basically had to pay fines, get counseling for anger management, and I think had community service. It made my year to see her up there bawling her eyes out to the judge. PRICELESS.
Okay, now fast forward 7 years. I was taking a test for school...walked into the room and guess who they sat me next to? UGLY FACE. I can't even tell you how hard it was to sit there for 2 hours and not pick up my computer and throw it at her demented head. Instead we just pretended like we didn't see each other. It was so uncomfortable and awkward. She finished before me and I thank God she didn't know what kind of car I drive...because I guarantee she would've thrown a rock at it or peed on my handle.
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