Mirror mirror on the wall...why am I so gross?

Let me start off by saying that if you don't want to see a blog post from me entirely about my insecurities and doubts about myself...then get out now!

When I was in high school I was a tiny thing around 95 pounds. I ate what I wanted and seriously never worked out. I really did take my body for granted. I think most girls that age do. I wish I could go back in time and punch myself in the face. Can you believe I would even whine and say I was FAT??!!! There wasn't an ounce of fat on me! I was an idiot.

Then I got pregnant at 16 with my beautiful son Gabriel. He was my everything from the moment I found out he was growing in my tummy. At 16 I had no regular workout regimen and I ate anything and everything. Again, I took my little body for granted. Well that bit me in the ass come 9 months later when I gave birth to a 3 pound baby and I had gained 78 pounds. At first I didn't let it get to me that I was big. Trust me, I was BIG. I am only 5'3 so 178 pounds on a short midget isn't attractive. I was more concerned about Gabe and making sure he was healthy and happy. After a few months I realized I couldn't fit into anything and I was still wearing maternity clothes. I went from a size 1 to a size 15. On top of that my stupid husband at the time (BIG MISTAKE) made me feel like a huge ugly whale. He referred to me as battle ax. Which basically means "woman of hideous proportions". I seriously hated him and the only reason I married him was because I was pressured into it by EVERYONE. My Mom was the voice of reason and I was stupid and didn't listen to her. My ex really got me motivated to get all sexy and skinny and then I left his gross ass.

I turned into a gym rat. I was there almost every single day. I didn't do tons of cardio, but I lifted weights like it was no ones business. I had gotten myself back down to a size 3. I was in the best shape of my life. I was muscular and toned and tiny again. This time I worked my ass off for my body and would never take it for granted again. I started dating Ryan and he was also a gym rat. He was (and still is) the sexiest man I've ever seen. He was tan and in amazing shape. Muscular and strong. We worked out together a lot and I had lots of fun with it. After years of doing this I started to get burned out. I went from going 5-6 days a week to going maybe twice then eventually not at all.

 After my angel baby passed away I got worse. I quit caring about life. I quit caring about everything. Especially taking care of myself. I ate pretty much everything and slept most of the time. The last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym. I pretty much quit living. After about a year, and constant coaxing from my family, I went to the doctor to get on some anti-depressant and anxiety medication. I started feeling better. Like maybe I could start living for Gabriel again, but this time it would be to make him happy from Heaven. I wanted him to be proud of me. I didn't want him to see me sad. 

A new rec center opened up behind our house and Ryan bought us a family pass. I started going about twice a week to not over do it. I built up to 4-5 days a week. I just went back to my old way of working out which was lots of weights and some cardio. I was getting so frustrated because I was getting really really strong, but my body hadn't changed appearance wise. I talked to my very knowledgeable husband Ryan and he told me that I probably can't work out the same way I did when I was 19. I'm 26 and my body and metabolism are different. He suggested I do the aerobics classes. They have them almost everyday and most are a combination of cardio, weights, and resistance training. I found out I love them! They are fun and go by fast.

Here is the problem though...I have been working out about 4-5 days a week and haven't lost 1 single pound. NOT ONE!!!!! You may think it could possibly be my diet. Let me tell you my diet on a basic day:
Breakfast-coffee, banana, egg whites or special K
snack-something like carrots, apple, yogurt, V8..one of those
lunch-chicken and a veggie
snack-same as above. A snack under 100 calories
dinner-it depends but it's almost always healthy.

I don't eat a lot of junk. The most sugary thing I have all day is my coffee. I am seriously at my wits end. I am so emotionally exhausted from this. I have gotten my thyroid tested twice and it's normal. I workout tons, I eat healthy, I get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. I should be losing inches and pounds like it was nothing. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. Its effecting my relationship because I am so insecure. I feel like a fat cow. I literally have 2 closets full of clothes and can't fit into 3/4 of them. I have no idea what else to do. If anyone has any suggestions..I would be willing to try anything except obviously starving myself. I am not that desperate or stupid.

Help a girl out.