I talked yesterday about my fat ass and my battle with the bulge. I started thinking about reasons why I wasn't losing weight. It couldn't be my diet or my workout regimen. Then all of a sudden! Eureka! I am like 99% positive its my depression and anxiety meds. I realized I have been taking them for about 6-8 months and since then I have gained 20 pounds. I made a doctor appt with my sweet heart of a lady doctor Mrs. Kim Winegar. If you need a regular doctor to visit...go see her. She is so nice and caring and wonderful. Anyways...I told her I needed a refill on my medications I am taking. BUT first I wanted to tell her what I was going through. I told her of my weight problems and the fact that no matter how much sleep I get, I am still exhausted all day. Not tired all day...EXHAUSTED is the word. She said Saratonin (I think its spelled right) can make you gain weight. She asked me if the Celexa was helping my depression and anxiety. I said "it was, but now because I have become an exotic breed of whale...I am depressed and anxious for a whole new reason!".
She prescribed me something called Wellbutrin (prob spelled wrong) and she said it can make me lose weight and give me energy. I am excited and willing to give it a try. If it doesn't make the weight start coming off and/or I start gaining more...I am off pills forever. FOR. E-EVRRRR. I am vain. I am shallow. I need to be skinny and in shape. I need to look at myself in the mirror and think "DAYAM!" But right now when I look at myself in the mirror especially in the nude...I black out and wake up on the floor. It's a tragedy.
Also she informed me she would be sending someone in to draw my blood. I said "what you talkin bout Willis?" I hate...detest...needles. They strike me with so much fear that I'd rather meet Hitler and tell him he looks like a Jew. But I took one for the team (which I am the only one on the team) and I had Dr. Death draw my blood. I had to hold a dang paper towel to absorb the sweat pouring out of my hands. They were drawing my blood to test me for thyroid problems, Vitamin D deficiency, and Anemia. I guess we'll see what happens.
My Life
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Mirror mirror on the wall...why am I so gross?
Let me start off by saying that if you don't want to see a blog post from me entirely about my insecurities and doubts about myself...then get out now!
When I was in high school I was a tiny thing around 95 pounds. I ate what I wanted and seriously never worked out. I really did take my body for granted. I think most girls that age do. I wish I could go back in time and punch myself in the face. Can you believe I would even whine and say I was FAT??!!! There wasn't an ounce of fat on me! I was an idiot.
Then I got pregnant at 16 with my beautiful son Gabriel. He was my everything from the moment I found out he was growing in my tummy. At 16 I had no regular workout regimen and I ate anything and everything. Again, I took my little body for granted. Well that bit me in the ass come 9 months later when I gave birth to a 3 pound baby and I had gained 78 pounds. At first I didn't let it get to me that I was big. Trust me, I was BIG. I am only 5'3 so 178 pounds on a short midget isn't attractive. I was more concerned about Gabe and making sure he was healthy and happy. After a few months I realized I couldn't fit into anything and I was still wearing maternity clothes. I went from a size 1 to a size 15. On top of that my stupid husband at the time (BIG MISTAKE) made me feel like a huge ugly whale. He referred to me as battle ax. Which basically means "woman of hideous proportions". I seriously hated him and the only reason I married him was because I was pressured into it by EVERYONE. My Mom was the voice of reason and I was stupid and didn't listen to her. My ex really got me motivated to get all sexy and skinny and then I left his gross ass.
I turned into a gym rat. I was there almost every single day. I didn't do tons of cardio, but I lifted weights like it was no ones business. I had gotten myself back down to a size 3. I was in the best shape of my life. I was muscular and toned and tiny again. This time I worked my ass off for my body and would never take it for granted again. I started dating Ryan and he was also a gym rat. He was (and still is) the sexiest man I've ever seen. He was tan and in amazing shape. Muscular and strong. We worked out together a lot and I had lots of fun with it. After years of doing this I started to get burned out. I went from going 5-6 days a week to going maybe twice then eventually not at all.
After my angel baby passed away I got worse. I quit caring about life. I quit caring about everything. Especially taking care of myself. I ate pretty much everything and slept most of the time. The last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym. I pretty much quit living. After about a year, and constant coaxing from my family, I went to the doctor to get on some anti-depressant and anxiety medication. I started feeling better. Like maybe I could start living for Gabriel again, but this time it would be to make him happy from Heaven. I wanted him to be proud of me. I didn't want him to see me sad.
A new rec center opened up behind our house and Ryan bought us a family pass. I started going about twice a week to not over do it. I built up to 4-5 days a week. I just went back to my old way of working out which was lots of weights and some cardio. I was getting so frustrated because I was getting really really strong, but my body hadn't changed appearance wise. I talked to my very knowledgeable husband Ryan and he told me that I probably can't work out the same way I did when I was 19. I'm 26 and my body and metabolism are different. He suggested I do the aerobics classes. They have them almost everyday and most are a combination of cardio, weights, and resistance training. I found out I love them! They are fun and go by fast.
Here is the problem though...I have been working out about 4-5 days a week and haven't lost 1 single pound. NOT ONE!!!!! You may think it could possibly be my diet. Let me tell you my diet on a basic day:
Breakfast-coffee, banana, egg whites or special K
snack-something like carrots, apple, yogurt, V8..one of those
lunch-chicken and a veggie
snack-same as above. A snack under 100 calories
dinner-it depends but it's almost always healthy.
I don't eat a lot of junk. The most sugary thing I have all day is my coffee. I am seriously at my wits end. I am so emotionally exhausted from this. I have gotten my thyroid tested twice and it's normal. I workout tons, I eat healthy, I get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. I should be losing inches and pounds like it was nothing. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. Its effecting my relationship because I am so insecure. I feel like a fat cow. I literally have 2 closets full of clothes and can't fit into 3/4 of them. I have no idea what else to do. If anyone has any suggestions..I would be willing to try anything except obviously starving myself. I am not that desperate or stupid.
Help a girl out.
When I was in high school I was a tiny thing around 95 pounds. I ate what I wanted and seriously never worked out. I really did take my body for granted. I think most girls that age do. I wish I could go back in time and punch myself in the face. Can you believe I would even whine and say I was FAT??!!! There wasn't an ounce of fat on me! I was an idiot.
Then I got pregnant at 16 with my beautiful son Gabriel. He was my everything from the moment I found out he was growing in my tummy. At 16 I had no regular workout regimen and I ate anything and everything. Again, I took my little body for granted. Well that bit me in the ass come 9 months later when I gave birth to a 3 pound baby and I had gained 78 pounds. At first I didn't let it get to me that I was big. Trust me, I was BIG. I am only 5'3 so 178 pounds on a short midget isn't attractive. I was more concerned about Gabe and making sure he was healthy and happy. After a few months I realized I couldn't fit into anything and I was still wearing maternity clothes. I went from a size 1 to a size 15. On top of that my stupid husband at the time (BIG MISTAKE) made me feel like a huge ugly whale. He referred to me as battle ax. Which basically means "woman of hideous proportions". I seriously hated him and the only reason I married him was because I was pressured into it by EVERYONE. My Mom was the voice of reason and I was stupid and didn't listen to her. My ex really got me motivated to get all sexy and skinny and then I left his gross ass.
I turned into a gym rat. I was there almost every single day. I didn't do tons of cardio, but I lifted weights like it was no ones business. I had gotten myself back down to a size 3. I was in the best shape of my life. I was muscular and toned and tiny again. This time I worked my ass off for my body and would never take it for granted again. I started dating Ryan and he was also a gym rat. He was (and still is) the sexiest man I've ever seen. He was tan and in amazing shape. Muscular and strong. We worked out together a lot and I had lots of fun with it. After years of doing this I started to get burned out. I went from going 5-6 days a week to going maybe twice then eventually not at all.
After my angel baby passed away I got worse. I quit caring about life. I quit caring about everything. Especially taking care of myself. I ate pretty much everything and slept most of the time. The last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym. I pretty much quit living. After about a year, and constant coaxing from my family, I went to the doctor to get on some anti-depressant and anxiety medication. I started feeling better. Like maybe I could start living for Gabriel again, but this time it would be to make him happy from Heaven. I wanted him to be proud of me. I didn't want him to see me sad.
A new rec center opened up behind our house and Ryan bought us a family pass. I started going about twice a week to not over do it. I built up to 4-5 days a week. I just went back to my old way of working out which was lots of weights and some cardio. I was getting so frustrated because I was getting really really strong, but my body hadn't changed appearance wise. I talked to my very knowledgeable husband Ryan and he told me that I probably can't work out the same way I did when I was 19. I'm 26 and my body and metabolism are different. He suggested I do the aerobics classes. They have them almost everyday and most are a combination of cardio, weights, and resistance training. I found out I love them! They are fun and go by fast.
Here is the problem though...I have been working out about 4-5 days a week and haven't lost 1 single pound. NOT ONE!!!!! You may think it could possibly be my diet. Let me tell you my diet on a basic day:
Breakfast-coffee, banana, egg whites or special K
snack-something like carrots, apple, yogurt, V8..one of those
lunch-chicken and a veggie
snack-same as above. A snack under 100 calories
dinner-it depends but it's almost always healthy.
I don't eat a lot of junk. The most sugary thing I have all day is my coffee. I am seriously at my wits end. I am so emotionally exhausted from this. I have gotten my thyroid tested twice and it's normal. I workout tons, I eat healthy, I get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. I should be losing inches and pounds like it was nothing. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. Its effecting my relationship because I am so insecure. I feel like a fat cow. I literally have 2 closets full of clothes and can't fit into 3/4 of them. I have no idea what else to do. If anyone has any suggestions..I would be willing to try anything except obviously starving myself. I am not that desperate or stupid.
Help a girl out.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Hikin'
We finally have beautiful weather in Utah! On Sunday Ryan and I decided to take the puppies on a hike up Millcreek Canyon. On odd number days they allow people to let their dogs off leash on the trails. We called my little sister Shelby (she's got a cute wiener dog named Mia), and my brother Cody and his gf Diana (their puppy is named Harlow). We drove up the canyon and found a cool trail. The dogs were soooo excited! Crockett led the way with Molly right behind him. I was a stupid and forgot my camera! They were so cute! We went pretty far and most of it was uphill. After awhile they were like "okay guys we are done." In fact at one point Molly and Mia just stopped in the shade and laid down hahaha. That was Molly's first hike. Actually it was her first walk somewhere other than a neighborhood. I have been afraid to take her anywhere until after she got all her puppy shots. Molly and Crockett were so freaking tired the next day. I am really excited that it's finally Summer and I can enjoy it with my husband and puppies.
Me and Dana on our hike!
Friday, June 3, 2011
I could slap a bitch!
As you may know...I am not one to take crap from anyone. I have always been a pretty strong person. Emotionally, not physically (I wish!). I don't let people walk all over me or take advantage of me. I don't let people talk bad about me, my family, or my friends. And if someone gets in my face whether it be a man or woman..they will more than likely suffer the wrath of my fist. The last guy that called me the "C" word ended up with a broken jaw. So that is how I am in my personal life. I am a very nice person unless of course you hurt me or someone I love.
Now work life Heather is completely different. I have to take crap from people on a daily basis. I have to listen to customers bitch at me, yell, swear, and be completely disrespectful and rude. I can't even explain how hard this is for me to do. I would NEVER let someone disrespect me that way in my personal life. EVER.
Most of the calls are easy and pleasant. But at least 1 each day is a bad call. Either they are incredibly stupid and don't pay attention OR they are so unbelievably rude that I want to reach through the phone and slap their dirty whorrish mouths. I took a call this morning and I should mention that it was the FIRST call of the morning. From the very beginning of the call this BITCH of a woman was dead set on making me miserable. I cannot even put into words how mean and condescending she was. I think the phrase "the customer is always right" does not apply in this situation. She made me so angry throughout the duration of the call that by the time I hung up I was shaking and almost in tears. If she is married I feel terrible for her husband. If she is not married then that is no surprise why. I wanted to find her parents and smash their heads together for creating such an evil mean spirited person.
It's been 2 hours since I took the call and I am still pissed. I am trying really hard to let it go and not let it set the tone for the rest of my day. But it's sooooo hard. When something like that happens to me, it's difficult for me to just let it go. I cannot understand for the life of me how people can treat others that way. I will never do that. There have been a few times where I have had a call like that and a few minutes later they call back and apologize to me for treating me like that. They tell me they're just frustrated and they shouldn't take it out on me. Those people I can forgive. Everyone has bad days. This woman, aka spawn of Satan, was just mean for no reason. She wasn't calling because someone effed up her order or calling to complain about something. She was just placing a simple order and she couldn't have made it more difficult and frustrating. I think she just wanted to make me upset and miserable. And I am. Good job lady. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Better yet...just for fun punch yourself in the face for a job well done.
Love,
Heather
Now work life Heather is completely different. I have to take crap from people on a daily basis. I have to listen to customers bitch at me, yell, swear, and be completely disrespectful and rude. I can't even explain how hard this is for me to do. I would NEVER let someone disrespect me that way in my personal life. EVER.
Most of the calls are easy and pleasant. But at least 1 each day is a bad call. Either they are incredibly stupid and don't pay attention OR they are so unbelievably rude that I want to reach through the phone and slap their dirty whorrish mouths. I took a call this morning and I should mention that it was the FIRST call of the morning. From the very beginning of the call this BITCH of a woman was dead set on making me miserable. I cannot even put into words how mean and condescending she was. I think the phrase "the customer is always right" does not apply in this situation. She made me so angry throughout the duration of the call that by the time I hung up I was shaking and almost in tears. If she is married I feel terrible for her husband. If she is not married then that is no surprise why. I wanted to find her parents and smash their heads together for creating such an evil mean spirited person.
It's been 2 hours since I took the call and I am still pissed. I am trying really hard to let it go and not let it set the tone for the rest of my day. But it's sooooo hard. When something like that happens to me, it's difficult for me to just let it go. I cannot understand for the life of me how people can treat others that way. I will never do that. There have been a few times where I have had a call like that and a few minutes later they call back and apologize to me for treating me like that. They tell me they're just frustrated and they shouldn't take it out on me. Those people I can forgive. Everyone has bad days. This woman, aka spawn of Satan, was just mean for no reason. She wasn't calling because someone effed up her order or calling to complain about something. She was just placing a simple order and she couldn't have made it more difficult and frustrating. I think she just wanted to make me upset and miserable. And I am. Good job lady. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Better yet...just for fun punch yourself in the face for a job well done.
Love,
Heather
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Returning from vacation blows
My cute little sister Shelby turned 18 on the 22nd. My Mom and I decided to take her to Vegas to celebrate. We took her friend Jackie and our soon to be sister in law Diana. We had so much fun. The weather was PERFECT. Utah has been so shitty. Gloomy, dark, and rainy. It was such a great change. It was 95 and sunny the whole time. We laid out every day. I have a sexy little tan going on! We were gone for almost 5 days. As much as I enjoyed the weather, I was definitely home sick. I missed my Ryan and my puppies.
We did some fun things and laughed a lot. I should have a 6 pack from how much laughing I did. On the way there we saw two cows humping. It was intriguing and disgusting. How do they get themselves up there when they are so damn heavy? Also, we stopped to pee in the middle of no where because we couldn't find any turn off that had services. Soooo we just pulled off onto the side of the road and did our businasss. We got lots of honks haha. I really didn't care if truckers could see my vadge. I had to pee like it was the end of the world.
There was this really cool hotel called The Cosmopolitan. It was a new one on the strip. We decided to explore. It was super fancy and cool. I could never afford a place like that. It was all artsy fartsy and stuff. Well during our exploration of this fancy pants hotel we found these HUGE shoes. My Mom decided she was 5 and wanted to climb in one. Of course she slipped and fell and got stuck. I mean majorly stuck. We were trying for like 15 minutes to get her out. We were laughing so hard we all almost peed. There was a crowd forming too. It was effing hilarious.
My 18 year old sister got hit on by two 32 year old men. My Mom went all Mama Bear on them and they proceeded to buy her a drink hahaha.
We stayed at the ever so fancy Hooters Hotel and Casino. I love being classy. The pool actually wasn't half bad and the drinks were delicious. I got a Pina Colada frozen beverage and then a Strawberry Daquiri or however you spell it. There were plenty of drunk stupid men saying drunk stupid things. And eye raping me and the other girls. But who can beat $270 for 4 nights? And I can take being asked to smoke some chronic a few times by our neighbors as long as they got caught by security WHICH THEY DID.
We went to the Peep Show which was friggin awesome. Holly Maddison is so pretty. And I have never in my life seen such perfect symmetrical boobs. Josh Strickland is hot as hell and has a crazy set of pipes! He can sing like none other. The show was awesome. It wasn't just a bunch of naked chicks dancing around. There were so many cool dances and tricks. It was so funny and entertaining. I would go see it again in a heartbeat! I would recommend it to anyone except for Mormons, my Dad, and nuns.
It was such a fun trip. Now I am back home and I am tired. Why does it take a few days after vacation to recoup? I am exhausted. I took my lunch at work today at 9 am and went and slept in my car for an hour. It wasn't long enough. I could go home and sleep all day. I didn't even drink that much! I can honestly say I didn't even get drunk in Vegas. On top of this...school ended and Ryan will be able to sleep in ALL SUMMER. I get to wake up at the ass crack of dawn and go to work all day while he gets to sleep in and drink coffee in our bed. NOT FAIR. And he will rub it in like he does every year that bastard! I will get him back somehow....hmmmmm
And here are some pictures from Sin City.
We did some fun things and laughed a lot. I should have a 6 pack from how much laughing I did. On the way there we saw two cows humping. It was intriguing and disgusting. How do they get themselves up there when they are so damn heavy? Also, we stopped to pee in the middle of no where because we couldn't find any turn off that had services. Soooo we just pulled off onto the side of the road and did our businasss. We got lots of honks haha. I really didn't care if truckers could see my vadge. I had to pee like it was the end of the world.
There was this really cool hotel called The Cosmopolitan. It was a new one on the strip. We decided to explore. It was super fancy and cool. I could never afford a place like that. It was all artsy fartsy and stuff. Well during our exploration of this fancy pants hotel we found these HUGE shoes. My Mom decided she was 5 and wanted to climb in one. Of course she slipped and fell and got stuck. I mean majorly stuck. We were trying for like 15 minutes to get her out. We were laughing so hard we all almost peed. There was a crowd forming too. It was effing hilarious.
My 18 year old sister got hit on by two 32 year old men. My Mom went all Mama Bear on them and they proceeded to buy her a drink hahaha.
We stayed at the ever so fancy Hooters Hotel and Casino. I love being classy. The pool actually wasn't half bad and the drinks were delicious. I got a Pina Colada frozen beverage and then a Strawberry Daquiri or however you spell it. There were plenty of drunk stupid men saying drunk stupid things. And eye raping me and the other girls. But who can beat $270 for 4 nights? And I can take being asked to smoke some chronic a few times by our neighbors as long as they got caught by security WHICH THEY DID.
We went to the Peep Show which was friggin awesome. Holly Maddison is so pretty. And I have never in my life seen such perfect symmetrical boobs. Josh Strickland is hot as hell and has a crazy set of pipes! He can sing like none other. The show was awesome. It wasn't just a bunch of naked chicks dancing around. There were so many cool dances and tricks. It was so funny and entertaining. I would go see it again in a heartbeat! I would recommend it to anyone except for Mormons, my Dad, and nuns.
It was such a fun trip. Now I am back home and I am tired. Why does it take a few days after vacation to recoup? I am exhausted. I took my lunch at work today at 9 am and went and slept in my car for an hour. It wasn't long enough. I could go home and sleep all day. I didn't even drink that much! I can honestly say I didn't even get drunk in Vegas. On top of this...school ended and Ryan will be able to sleep in ALL SUMMER. I get to wake up at the ass crack of dawn and go to work all day while he gets to sleep in and drink coffee in our bed. NOT FAIR. And he will rub it in like he does every year that bastard! I will get him back somehow....hmmmmm
And here are some pictures from Sin City.
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| My Mom stuck in the shoe of death and Dana laughing at her |
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| My pretty sis and me |
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| Trying to help my Mom out |
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| My Mom almost peeing herself |
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| M&M's are yummy! |
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| The crazy Cosmopolitan hotel lobby |
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| I wanted to help them escape and take them to the wild |
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| Me and my buddy Holly |
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| Dana and Holly |
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| Fremont Street was friggin cool |
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