Really bad night

This morning I woke up in a really bad state. I am emotionally exhausted and my eyes are swollen from crying. I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. An hour after I got to work I asked my boss if it was ok if I took an early lunch. I went out to my car, curled up in a ball, and tried to sleep. I think I finally am doing better and that I can be happy. I stop crying and let go of the anger..and then something like what happened last night happens. It's a humongous slap in the face and every emotion I have inside me comes flooding back and I am taken back to the day Gabriel left this world. I can't function. It's like I am in some sort of trance and I just stare in once place and sit. I ache so bad. My heart literally hurts. I feel like it isn't beating anymore.

Last night on my way home from work around 7:30 I had this feeling I needed to go visit my baby. I pulled up and walked up to his spot. Some sick twisted evil person stole his decorations. His flowers in his vase were gone and this adorable Halloween pumpkin train my Grammie special ordered for him was gone. I immediately started crying and shaking. I just fell to the ground and laid there and cried. How could someone do that? I lost my son when he was 7 years old. In order to see him I have to go to a cemetery. Do they not know how special and tender that place is to me? I decorate it as cute as I can for him. I want things there that I know he would enjoy. It makes me feel closer to him. And someone just takes it?

I called Ryan hysterical. I was crying so hard I was forcing the throw up back down. I just started walking around the cemetery in the dark just blindly wandering. Hoping I would find it somewhere. It might seem like I am over reacting to some of you. But it feels to me like someone stole a part of Gabe from me last night. It ripped my heart out again. I didn't find his things. Ryan came rushing over and brought some other Fall flowers I had used from last year. He was so angry. I think he may have killed someone if he had found out who it was. We both don't know how to handle it. We try so hard to get through each day and try to get stronger each day and then something like this happens and sets us back.

I want to leave work so bad right now. He is at home in bed and that is all I want to do. I just want to sleep all this hurt and pain away. This is such an evil cruel world. So much negativity and sadness. Gabriel made all of that go away. He made this world bright and happy. He brought so much joy to life. Gabe is the perfect example of joy. And now he isn't here and I just feel sadness and anger and despair. I wish there were cameras at the cemetery. I want to know what kind of person would do something like that. Ryan is calling the city today and reporting it. I don't know if anything can be done or not. And I am not going to stop decorating it and making it special for him just because someone decided to do that. They can do it over and over and I will never stop.