10 things about me

1. I pick my nose. A lot. I don't give a shit who sees me.
2. If I could eat whatever I wanted as much as I wanted and it was wayyy sexy to be 800 pounds...I would
3. I really really like the smell of gasoline
4. When I was little I wanted to grow up to be Sleeping Beauty
5. I have 2 birthmarks. If the beauty mark above my lip counts as a birthmark...then I have 3
6. Little kids usually annoy the crap out of me
7. Working out makes me fart
8. If I could make out with Megan Fox I would
9. I could easily get a boob job again and go even BIGGER
10. My husband is the love of my life

I'm falling apart!!!!

If you want to get romantic with your significant other... I suggest you do not pull your groin. Last night Ryan and I were laying in bed...the night before Valentines..wanting to get a lil freaky. I go to get out of bed and I kinda swung my leg out from underneath the sheets. Um, I totally freaked the eff out because my crotch was on fire. I thought in the past I had pulled a muscle. No no no..I was severely mistaken. I now know I had never pulled a muscle. Last night was not romantic after that. I was busy crying my eyes out and icing my vagina. I now have a limp swagger...

Oh! And a little side note. Ryan and I ran into my ex husbands evil ugly Satan mom last night. I did the adult thing and walked over and punched her in the face. Ok...I didn't do that. But, in my mind I did it 5 times.

Monday likes and dislikes 19

Likes
1. Red Robin. I cannot wait to get off of work tonight. Ryan and I are celebrating V-Day tonight since he is working tomorrow. I want Red Robin. Their burger with the fried egg on it is genius! Genius I say!
2. I consider celebrating a holiday a "free day"...meaning everything I eat is calorie free, sugar free, fat free...
3. I love my dogs. There is no one in the world that will greet you at the door when you get home and literally be bouncing up and down from excitement. If I have had a bad day, Molly and Crockett cheer me up the second I walk through that door.

Dislikes
1. When did the music industry become so effing weird? I watched the Grammy's (regretfully) last night. Holy shit. I swear they were all competing to be the weirdest. There is no Grammy for being disturbing and effing weird as fuck. Nicki Minaj made me want to stab my eardrums and eyeballs with a wire hanger. Instead though I just changed the channel.
2. Why does everyone like Chris Brown? He is a woman beater. And even if he didn't do that, I would still hate his stupid guts. He thinks he is the shit. When really all I want to do is take a shit on his front porch, light it on fire, and run away. He is an ego maniac. He tries to have this swagger and it makes me want to punch him in the face, but first light my fist on fire.
3. And lastly...I very much dislike it when I am out of Cracklin Oat Bran

Words Heather hates

For your entertainment and to hit you with a little knowledge...I have made you a list of words and phrases I detest. Here we go!

1. Bear with me. Or is it bare? Either way...I hate it
2. Whoot
3. Just sayin'
4. Hecka (I don't care if you are Mormon or not)
5. Hella
6. Everything happens for a reason
7. God only gives you as much as you can handle
8. Booyah
9. Totes (unless you are Paul Rudd...don't say it)
10. Welp
11. Honestly... example "Honestly, I love these cheetos"
12. To tell you the truth
13. Etcetera, etcetera

Wednesday thoughts

1. I seriously get so effing pissed when I go to take a drink out of my water cup and ITS ALL GONE. I feel like I am going to knock down my cubicle and scream at the top of my lungs. How does my water cup get empty so fast? I just fucking filled it up!!??

2. Ryan mentioned this morning as I walked into our bathroom half naked that my bra looks like a "grandma bra". Men want all of us to strut around in sexy slut bras and panties and look like Victorias Secret models. Well, guess what? That bra is the most comfortable ugly bra in the entire world! I'm never taking it off! AND it was $10 at Ross. So kiss my ass.

3. How long have computers been around? 30 years or something? Learn how to navigate a website!!! Its not a mother effing rubik's cube for Hell's sake. It is not my job to teach you where the Esc button is or where the web browser is. Unless you are 80 years old and have dentures. Learn that shit.

4. Working out makes me fart. There is no way around it. If you workout with me or around me...this is your warning.

5. Generic cheese its are 50 billion times better than the real thing and $2 cheaper.