Wrong number...wanna hang out #2

I am an immature idiot. Everyone that is lucky enough to know me gets to see that on a daily basis. 2 nights ago I got a text from a number I didn't know. I don't get why this happens because I've had the same number for like 7 years. Anyways...here is how it played out:

Him: Hey What's up
Me: Who is this?
Him: Josh
Me: I don't know a Josh
Him: Is this not Megan?
Me: Yes it is, but my husband found out about us
Him: What?
Me: I'm so sorry you had to find out this way...
Him: Found out what about us?
Me: That I am in love with you
Him: Wait, who is this really?
Me: Hello? Are you not hearing me? I love you. It's Megan.
Him: Send a pic

So at this point...I had a few choices. I decided to go with the most awesome one. My friend who is a very manly buff man...put on my bra and some tiny tiny shorts, put his finger in his mouth, and looked as sexy as possible for the picture of Megan I was sending to my new friend.

He then texted back: haha real funny
Me: What? You don't love me back? That's so rude to lead me on.

My new friend would not respond after that. I thought it was pretty rude.

Thou shalt not scam

You hear of scammers all the time. Today at work I had more than one call with people having their credit cards stolen and needing to change their information with us.

People are dishonest assholes. And also people are just assholes. I am an asshole, but a smart one.
This stupid guy tried to scam me today. I guess you would have to be really stupid to fall for this shit.

I am selling my wedding dress online and I get a text that asks if I still have my dress, and if so, what condition is it in.

I said yes I do. It is in almost perfect condition.

Asshole says this: Ok that's great. and sorry for my late response. This is Steven Landsbury. I will offer you $80 for shipping and handling and $200 for the dress. And am paying you via Pay Pal Payment. I am located in Riverton, Utah, but I am currently out of state on an Official Assignment to California. I am purchasing it for my daughter as a wedding gift who lives in Houston, TX.

Me: Sorry, cash only.

Asshole: OMG!!! Ohhh...I understand how you feel. I promise if you can help me I will pay for the shipping including the item fees and any order charges and that is why I said we should use Pay Pal for the Payment cuz it's easier, faster, safer, and secure for both the sellers.  And buyers online fastest way to pay and 100% fraud free for more info log on to www.paypal.com. Please I am really interested in this.

Me: Sorry, cash only.

Asshole: Nothing.

What do you think? Am I paranoid?  Did I just lose $200?

I am tired plus I am stupid

I was tired today. And I am normally pretty stupid. Put those together and you get a great blog post.

My work has a door that you have to have a key fob to get into it. Therefor, I have to take my keys into the potty with me so I can get back in. I had to pee. I went to the bathroom and because I am Heather, I hit the UNLOCK button on my car keys and then proceeded to open the bathroom stall door.

DO. NOT. ASK. ME.

I have no answers for my stupidity.

If you don't like poop stories..you are dumb

I am a dirty bitch. I really am. I like poop and farts. They are funny. My Dad would be appalled and say he didn't raise me that way. He would say I am crude. And I am.

Ryan and I went to his family reunion a little over a week ago. It was a 14 hour drive. I hate road trips. Not to mention we had our 6 month old with us. He did better on the drive than I did. I would get out every hour and spend an hour wandering around if I could.

After I had Isaiah I was bound and determined to lose all the baby weight plus some more. I have been eating really clean. I have actually lost 41 pounds toot toot. (tooting my own horn) As you know, on a road trip there aren't a lot of healthy food options and I ate one too many Subway sandwiches. We stopped at a KFC. For some reason it sounded healthier than a burger joint. I ordered some chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, and coleslaw. BAD IDEA.

Not soon after we left I wasn't feeling too hot. That goes along with eating like shit though. Well after awhile I started feeling some percolating going on. I felt some rumblings. It was happening. I had to shit. And of course we were in the middle of fucking no where. I thought I could hold it. But, it was getting worse and worse. I got to the point where I was like "Ryan pull over." He said there was no where to pull over. I didn't give a shit if people saw what was going to happen. I said "Ryan it hurts!" He said he would stop at the next place he could see. I said "Ryan I am getting the fucking sweats!" And I was. I was sweating. It was horrible. I felt like I was going to give birth to Satan's spawn out of my butt.

I was praying. I am not sure if it was out loud or not. I was too busy trying not to shit all over my car. There is a God. I am telling you right now there is a God. He put a Mexican restaurant in the middle of no where. We stopped at that angelic restaurant and I ran as fast as I could while squeezing my butt cheeks together. I had made it. It was glorious.

I can't go into detail on here everything else that happened. But it was horrible. As I had discovered before, there is a God. But, he hates me. He laughed at me that day I think. And I am pretty sure when I walked out of that place all the workers called me a "perra sucia".

KFC is the devil. And so are road trips.

Cracked out crack head

I needed some Spanx. I am a curvy girl. I need me some Spanx. So I went shopping on my break for some. When I got back to my work  I got out of my car and a guy passes me. He says "Don't worry. I have stupid fucking tattoos too." I whip my head around in shock and say "Excuse me?" Crack head says to me "You heard me. I have stupid pointless fucking tattoos too." I was seriously so caught off guard. I said "First of all, my tattoos aren't stupid and most definitely aren't pointless. And I didn't ask your opinion." Then he starts screaming ''YOUR TATTOOS ARE IRRELEVANT!!!" I just couldn't believe this was happening. Is this real life? I basically just told him to go to hell and I walked inside my work building. I wanted to knock him the eff out. Lucky for him I was wearing a short dress and 5 inch heels. Bastard.

It gets better.

So I am sitting at my desk stewing over this asshole. After freaking out on me, he walked to the Walmart right by my work. I watched out my work window for him to see if he came back this way. Maybe he worked in my building. I was planning on getting him in trouble with his boss or something.

He did come back and his car was parked right in front of the building outside my window. He sat in there for about 10 minutes and then got out. He proceeded to open his front door and close it then open his back door and close it over and over. My co-workers and I were like "what in the hell is he doing?" He was definitely on something. Then he pulls out a bag and puts it on his trunk. The bag falls and some salads fall out. We watched him scoop the salad back in the container and put the lid back on and put it all back in the bag. Then he pulls out another bag from his car and we realize as he is walking towards the building that it is our office lunch order for our meeting!!!!!

I think about it for a minute...I got back from my break at 11:45 am when he freaked out on me. Then he got back from Walmart and didn't bring the food inside until around 12:20. So our food had been sitting in over 90 degree weather for like 40 minutes. Not to mention he spilled it on the ground and scooped up the food that fell and put it back.

I got my manager and he got the girl who placed the order. We called the owner of the restaurant. I told him everything that happened from the crazy rant he made to me and then leaving the food in his hot car forever and then dropping it on the ground. We got a whole new order and he got fired :)

It gets better.

I was outside that day at work right in front of the doors. A gust of wind came. I was wearing a dress. And yes, it blew my ENTIRE dress up. Like over my face. I was screaming and trying to put it down. 3 people that work in my office walked out ( all men) right when it happened. They started laughing and clapping. THANK GOD FOR SPANX. What if I didn't wear them that day and they saw my bare ass? That would've been horrible for them. They would've been scarred for life.

That was my day. But I got to see Tim McGraw that night. I wonder if he likes spanx.

Wrong number...wanna hang out?

Yesterday morning I had a missed call from a number I didn't know. I decided to call it back because I am selling a few things on ksl. This is how the conversation went:
Me: I had a missed call from this number about a half hour ago
Him: Hmmm, I don't remember. What is your name?
Me: Heather
Him: What's your last name?
Me: Mitchell
Him: Did you go to Brighton
Me: Uhhh no.
Him: Hmmm I don't know. Sorry, I guess I dialed the wrong number
 Me: Ok, bye.

Then like 5 minutes later he decided to text me.

Him: Sorry about that LOL
Me: It's ok
Him: You sound familiar...how old are you?
Me: 28
Him: Do you live in SLC?

At this point I decide to mess with him because I am immature and bored.

Me: No
Him: Do you party or like to go out?
Me: Noooooo, I just had a baby and I am depressed and old and saggy. Do you want to take me out????
Him: 28 isn't old. I am 27 and feel young.
Me: Well, I am a single mom of 6 kids and I have to strip to make a living. But, all I want to do is my dream of being a baton twirler.

After that he never texted me back. I think I took it too far with the baton twirling...

Boobies make me smile

I am the pervert lady down the street. I discovered this a few days ago.

It was later on at night maybe 8 or so and I had just gotten done gardening and then grocery shopping. I don't wear stilettos and a push up bra to garden in FYI. I wear shorts with stains and a shirt that says "Boobies make me smile".

Ryan bought me this shirt a few years ago as a joke and I love it.

This is what happened...and I feel horrible. Kinda.

So I had just gotten done doing the gardening and grocery store stuff. I heard a knock at the door. I answered it and this cute little boy, maybe 11 or so, was standing there. He asked me if I would be a pledge for his track meet. I could pledge $1 or more for every lap he ran. The whole time we were talking he had this goofy grin on his face. I just thought he was being a weird kid.

No.

I had a shirt on that said Boobies make me smile. Of course an 11 year old boy thought it was funny. I realized after I went back inside that I had the shirt on. I bet his parents won't let him come over anymore.

We share

The other night I am getting ready for bed. Isaiah is on a great sleeping schedule now. Sleeping 7-8 hours a night. So I am pretty much over my sleep deprivation. This time I am blaming Ryan and his sleep deprivation. Or maybe he is color blind. Either way...this is what went down.

As I was saying...I was getting ready for bed. Went into the bathroom to brush my pearly whites. And my toothbrush was wet. Why was it wet? I hadn't used it. Right? I thought about it to make sure I wasn't crazy. I decided I am not crazy. Here is my convo with Ryan.

Me: Babe did you use my toothbrush?
Ryan: No, I used mine.
Me: My toothbrush is wet.
Ryan: I dunno babe. I used my toothbrush.
So I grabbed my toothbrush and took it over to him.
Me: Did you use this one?
Ryan: Yes. That is mine.
Me: NO IT ISN'T!!!!!!!! This is mine! I told you 2 weeks ago that I got you a new one.
Ryan: Oops...
Me: So we have been using the same toothbrush for how long???????????

Then we laughed like a couple of idiots and I shrugged my shoulders and then I burned my toothbrush. No no no I am just kidding. I love Ryan and all his germs. But seriously. He is using HIS toothbrush now.

After pregnancy brain

So..2 months ago I had my wonderful bundle of joy Isaiah. I love him so much it makes my heart almost explode. How is it that I can stare at him all day and not get anything done and never get sick of it? Or smell and kiss his little toes every single time I change him? I love watching him sleep and smelling his breath. I have aready taken a gazillion pictures of him. He is simply wonderful. Perfect. Being a Mom is the best thing I can think of. It makes me in a dream like state 24-7. Life is awesome.

The sleep deprivation IS worth it. So is my fat ass.

My Mom told me to write down the things I do on a daily basis from being so damn tired. So here we go:
1) Got fully naked to shower...or so I thought. NOPE, just kidding. I still had my undies on. Somehow I didn't realize I still had the huge granny panties on that you have to wear. Ew. I can't believe I admitted I wore granny panties. I have no shame.

2) Looked all over my room for the remote....picked up said remote...put it back down...continued to look for the remote.

3) Put my panties on inside out.

4) Stubbed my toes on anything and everything from walking around like a walker from Walking Dead. Can you die and come back to life from sleep deprivation?

5) Feeding Isaiah...put bottle down to burp him...pick up bottle to feed him again..put bottle to his mouth...realize it's the remote.

6) Laugh hysterically for no reason then can't stop. Keep laughing for no reason all alone.

7) Isaiah spits up on me all over my neck, shoulder, and hair. Tell myself I will clean it up when I am done feeding him. Forget. Walk around the rest of the day with crispy vomit hair.

8) Isaiah wakes up in the middle of the night to eat. I get up, get a bottle, open the formula which has a scoop inside it. Go to the drawer, get a spoon, start filling his bottle with the spoon instead of the scoop. Realize I am a dumbass. 

Isaiah laughed for the first time today. It makes everything worth it. I would do this all over again. I love him so much that I just cry sometimes. I get so overwhelmed with happiness and love. You cannot explain the love you have for a child to someone else unless they have one of their own. Someone without kids just wouldn't understand.

Here is a picture of me and Isaiah. My Bubba Gump.

Do the impossible

Things I have realized are impossible or nearly impossible while knocked up:

1) Shaving my vagina
2) Shaving my legs especially when its around the ankle area
3) Putting on shoes and socks
4) Finding a bra that fits my huge watermelon sized boobs
5) Passing Oreos at the grocery store and not buying them
6) Not opening said Oreos before I get home from the store
7) Crying over totally realistic reasonable things
8) Missionary sex
9) Seeing a skinny girl in beautiful shape and not wanting to run her over with my car
10) Getting more than 4 hours of sleep per night
11) Staying awake at my desk at work
12) Making rational decisions
13) Getting hit on
14) Looking not like a beached whale during a heat wave
15) Doing your makeup and getting all pretty for the day
16) Caring about other peoples life problems
17) To not eat a delicious smelling candle
18) Painting my toe nails
19) Clipping my toe nails
20) Picking things up off of the floor

My best friend Shelby

My little sister Shelby got married to a marine named Matt. They are moving to California today. This will be the 1st time in almost 20 years we have ever been apart. She is the best sister in the whole world and my best friend. We do everything together. It isn't out of the ordinary to have her at my house 4-5 times a week just hanging out. She has always been there for me. To go shopping, a shoulder to cry on, a babysitter for Gabe, a workout buddy, a coffee break friend, someone to laugh until we pee our pants. We literally do everything together.

Last night we had to say our goodbyes and I think I held it together pretty well until she shut the door behind her. I lost it. I love her so much and my heart aches. She is going to be 12 long hours away. I never thought we would be so far apart.

I am happy she is in love and found the person that she wants to spend her life with. It just sucks they have to move to California.

I am going to get Skype and a fancy phone too. Then we can talk everyday and I can see her bright shining face :)

I know this will be a fun experience for her. She gets to live in sunny California and explore and enjoy all new things. I am just going to miss her like crazy.

I LOVE YOU SISTER

Pregnancy is not becoming of me

I have turned into a lunatic. Well, more than normal. So that's pretty bad....ask my husband. I think I have officially scared him. I am nuts. I can't help it. I have these raging psychotic pregnancy hormones that take control of me and I am just their puppet. They like making me look like a stark raving mad woman with mascara all over her face. 

Examples: 

1) Over Fathers Day weekend there was an Oreo commercial about a little boy waking his Dad up at midnight to enjoy some Fathers Day Oreos. I bawled my effing eyes out. And then proceeded to purchase Oreos the next day. 

2) A few weeks ago I was a stage 365465434357 psycho. I think I had an out of body experience and was watching myself in horror. I got out of the shower and for no reason at all decided to freak out in crying fits and tell my husband I am sorry for ruining his life. I was sobbing and sobbing and the look on his face got more horrified and confused by the second. Then as I was crying I was looking for jammies to put on. I am standing there in my towel and tell him I can't find any clean jammies that fit me. Then, just when you would think it couldn't get worse...my towel dropped to the ground and I fell on the floor and had a melt down like a 2 year old. Ryan patted my shoulder timidly and said "Baby, I don't really know what to do...you are scaring me a little". 

3) Last night after working 8 hours then going to the gym and working out for an hour...I went home and had a relaxing shower. I was all ready to make a delicious dinner my family likes to call Goolash. (I think I actually posted the recipe on here awhile back) and realized I was missing a can of green beans. I asked a friend across the street, but she didn't have any. I asked my sister, but she was busy. I then called my husband who was coaching soccer practice and asked him to bring some home after work. But he wasn't going to be home for 2 hours and I was starving. He said "Babe, why did you call and ask me to bring some home when you need it now and I won't be home until around 8?" I said never mind forget I called I will figure it out. I tried really hard to conceal my frustration and tears. As soon as I got off the phone with him I cried like a little bitch for about 5 minutes until I realized I had no choice, but to go to the store. Then I cried that I had to go to the store. Then I cried because I realized I am fucking crazy. 

Please please let this be over soon. I swear to God if this becomes permanent, I will lose my husband, my friends, and my job. I am like a ticking time bomb where people are afraid to come close because they might catch my crazy virus. I was never this bad with my 1st pregnancy. I am not a mean hormonal pregnant lady. Just one that will cry at the drop of a hat. For no apparent reason. BE PREPARED....you may witness this. If you do...either back away slowly or give me a cookie.

Beauty & the Beast is fucked up

For a present this year I received the Beauty & the Beast soundtrack. My son Gabriel LOVED this movie. I can't even count how many times he watched it. I also love this movie. BUT as I have been listening to the soundtrack over and over...I realized some pretty disturbing shit.

Ok so you know how the Beast answered the door before he was the Beast and it was a "beautiful enchantress" disguised as an old ugly beggar woman? And she asked him for shelter and he turned her away..so then she turned him into the Beast and cursed everyone in the castle as well?

The rose was going to bloom until his "21st year" then by that time if he couldn't love someone and earn her love in return..he and everyone in the castle would be cursed forever. 

WELL.....

In the song "Be Our Guest" Lumierre says "10 years we've been rusting, needing so much more than dusting"

THINK ABOUT THIS SHIT...

If he was 21 when he and Belle fell in love and he has been that way for 10 fucking years...that means he was ELEVEN when he was turned into the Beast.

There are so many things wrong about this..I can't wrap my head around it.

1) Why in the hell is a "prince" answering the door to the castle? Don't they have a butler or servant for that? 

2) Why did the Enchantress come there in the first place? Just to fuck with the rich people there? If she was an enchantress and had the power to curse an entire castle for 10 years..I think she could conjure up a tent and a fire at least.

3) WHERE IN THE HELL ARE THIS KIDS PARENTS? They didn't get cursed and it never mentions them.

4) Why in God's name would this evil psycho PMSing bitch of a witch pick on a little 11 year old kid and turn him into a beast? HE WAS 11 for crying out loud! All 11 year olds are assholes. Especially to ugly people.

5) Why did this stupid crazy whore Enchantress think she needed to teach the prince a lesson? Shouldn't that be his parents job?

6) These writers are idiots. It makes no sense. Obviously a little kid wouldn't catch on to this fucked up story line, but I am sure I am not the only adult that likes this movie. 

Please tell me I am not a crazy person for getting all worked up over a Disney movie. 

10 thingies

I haven't blogged regularly like I normally do. It's been a few months. Mostly because I am lazy. See...Ryan put a baby in me and I am so so tired all the time. But, today I feel bloggy so I will post somethin. 

1) I bought an Ahh Bra. If you don't know what it is..you can get them at Walmart. It's pretty comfy. Not the best support. But it's comfy and being knocked up...comfort is a necessity.  Don't make fun. My friends husband bought her one and she swears it is so comfortable...so I decided while I was in the line at Walmart that I'd get this "as seen on tv" bra.

2) I don't like any pickles but Nalley. They are soo good and the juice is yummy. This is NOT just a pregnant thing. I have always been this weird.

3) My ass is growing. I didn't think it was possible that it could get any bigger, but it is. I feel like I need lypo in my ass and legs. This pregnancy hates me.

4) I find out what I am having tmrw. I am hoping for a boy. Everyone thinks its a girl. Girls get pregnant at 16..I don't want a girl. I have had dreams it is a boy...so I am hoping they were visions and not just dreams. Boys break their arms or get into fist fights at 16..I can handle that.

5) My sweet Gabe turned 10 on August 8th. It was a hard day. I forced myself to come to work. Later that night it was nice though. I bought chocolate cupcakes from Sweet Tooth Fairy. My family and I went to the cemetery and wrote on balloons and let them all go on the count of 10. I hope he got all our messages. We sat and told funny stories about him. It ended up being a good night.

6) I am doing kegels right now

7) Now you are thinking about my vagina

8) Now you are doing kegels

9) I like the name Solomon for a boy and I haven't heard another name I like more. But I am still not convinced that is the right name. I need it to be perfect. Maybe the baby will be called baby for awhile.

10) Pray to God along with me that I will not get stretch marks.

The life & times of California and barf

I know I haven't done a post in a looong time. But, I have had more important things to do like grow a person in my stomach.

Last week me, my Mom, and my sister Shelby went on our annual "girls trip". We were gone a full 7 days. I got kinda home sick.

We decided that San Clemente, CA was our destination. We realized 12 hours is a long ways to drive in one day sooo we decided to stop in Vegas the first day. It was so effing hot. Like 111 degrees. We stayed at Tuscany Suites & Casino. It was a really nice hotel! All Tuscan and shit. We went swimming and got pizza. Shelby wanted to go to the Pawn Stars place. It was so packed. She got a cool shirt. I got stared at a lot because my tits were hanging out of my dress...I didn't realize until my Mom told me I looked like a hooker. I will not be posting a picture of that.

Looking fat not pregnant

Livin all Tuscan

Hiding like a Tuscan

The next day we were off to Cali, but not before we went to McDonalds and got harassed for money by a kid stoned out of his mind. He said he needed money for food and I thought "yeah because you have the fucking munchies!"

I hate road trips. I hate driving in the car. I get so bored and car sick. Being pregnant makes it even worse. We drove through Barstow...the armpit of California. I slept some of the drive to get rid of my nausea. When we got to our hotel we were all super excited to get out of the car and explore. I went to check in and the Indian man who I could barely understand was trying to tell me we had to pay $200 more than he quoted me when I booked the hotel. My Mom freaked out and almost had a panic attack. It worked and we got the original price. The Days Inn in San Clemente is crap. Don't stay there. There is no pool. The continental breakfast consists of apple juice boxes, cheese danishes, bagels, and nutrigrains. I will never eat any of those for a long time I think.

That night we were tired from driving so we just explored the beach by our hotel. Walked along the beach, hung out, put our feet in the water. It was relaxing.

Tuesday we went to Coronado. I would seriously move there if I were made of money. The houses were all so different and all equally cute. The little shops and restaurants were all adorable. We ate at the cutest little 50's diner I think called Claytons. Best burger I've had in a long long time. We went and hung out at the beach. The sand was like sugar. And I made a friend. I tried to feed him a granola bar, but he didn't want it.

My Mom said the Hotel Del Coronado is way haunted. So of course we had to go investigate. My Mom was taking pictures all over to see if "spirits" would appear. It was a really creepy hotel. All old looking. We walked around all over and we went to the very top floor. We walked past this wall and to me it didn't match. I pushed on the wall and there was a hidden door. We of course went inside. It was like a service entrance for the hotel workers. There in the corner was this tiny old crooked door. I decided to open it. I started opening it, I was freaking out a little. It was pitch black inside. Then all of the sudden a worker came through that hidden wall door and scared the ever living shit out of us. We all screamed bloody murder. The worker dude was grabbing his chest and I think he shit his pants. He ended up laughing and saying he was never more scared in his life. He did say that the hotel was haunted though. Creepy man....creepy. Oh and if you want to actually stay at that hotel then you better be rich. The cheapest room is like $300 a night.

Wednesday we went to a local mall and shopped. There was a pet store in there with all sorts of the cutest puppies. I wanted to steal the Bernese Mountain Dog and the St. Bernard. We found this way cool pregnant lady store. I tried on this fake baby bump to see how gross I'll look when I am further along.

Then we went whale watching. Basically this was the worst idea I have ever had. It was 2 hours of pure torture for me. I was so sick like I was going to puke. Then I ran to the side of the boat and threw up all over nature. My Mom said I was green. I felt like I was going to die. In fact, I would have rather died.

Thursday we went to Sandiego Zoo. This zoo is freaking awesome. Ryan was so sweet and offered to pay for our tickets. It was an awesome day. My favorite exhibits were the hippos, giraffes, and the sloth bear. He was doing this funny little dance/runway walk. The parking is a joke there though. I almost got in a fight. Do not mess with a pregnant woman and her hormones. On the way back to the hotel going 80 mph on the freeway I got sick. I puked out my window. My car was covered in puke and probably the car behind us. Also it was all over my face, hair, and sweater. It was bad. Don't eat nachos then barf.

Friday we went to the San Clemente beach and laid out. It was the most perfect day to do that and play in the ocean. We even saw dolphins swimming pretty close to the shore. We were apparently using expired sunscreen because when we got back to the hotel we were FRIED. And I mean to a crisp. My tits looked like giant sterroided tomatoes. It was horrible. Me and Shelby didn't sleep much and every few seconds we were like "ohhh owww ouch ahhhh" It sucked. Don't use expired sunscreen.

Saturday we drove to St. George and stayed in a hotel my Dad got for us. We were all exhausted I think from the sun the day before and our burns. Then we came home! I was so happy to be with Ryan again. Oh and we stopped in Beaver, Utah to get gas and I bought Ryan an awesome I love Beaver shirt.

Thursdays

Thursdays blow. Not like Mondays...or a prostitute. But they do blow. It's soooo close to Friday, but not just yet. They piss me off. And here is what has happened to me so far this Thursday. 

1) Someone in my office (bless their lil heart) makes the shittiest coffee ever. Have you ever gone to the coffee machine, noticed it was 90% full, and poured it all out so you can make it the way you like it? I have. I just did. I am not ashamed and I don't care who knows it. I make the best effing coffee ever. Like prob ever. I need to own my own coffee shop. I am not telling you the name either. Because then you will steal it. It's that good. 

2) I got crop dusted so fucking bad today. Either this guy was saving up 1,000 farts after eating 1,000 pieces of broccoli OR he shit his pants and was walking as cool as he could, but inside was crying for his Mommy and needed to get home ASAP. I'm pretty positive he shit his pants. I would bet money on it. 

3) Put on a pair of my panties that I wore when I was 20 pounds lighter. They are constricting my sides and I am going to need stitches to seal up the wound. But this morning I was like fuck it I am tired. 

Friday Favorites

I suck ass at posting lately. Life has just been so busy and you know how it is being an adult. I bought some cool and cute stuff lately, and I wanted to share it with my pals. 

1) I am pretty much kind of obsessed with lipstick, chapstick, gloss, stains...I don't even know how many lippies I have. But, I just bought the most awesomest lipstick at Sephora! It's by Smashbox (my fave makeup brand) and its called Fuchsia Flash. It's about $18 and a matte. I personally love matte lipsticks better. They stay on much longer and if you want a shine to it then just put a gloss on afterwards. Easy peasy.

 

2) I got this dress at Target for $25. It fits so perfect and it has thick enough straps so my big breasted friends can wear a bra.

3) And I got these cute as a button sandals for $29.99 at Tarjay as well. 

4) And lastly, I got another addition to my sleeve. This came to me in a funny way. I was looking on Pinterest and came upon some of Betsy Johnson's jewelry. She designed a sugar skull with a fruit hat on top of it. Kind of like the Chiquita Banana lady, but dead haha. Here it is without color. I have an appt soon for my bright bright color!

In the land of Targetville

I went to Target today on my lunch...to spend some money that I don't have. I learned a few things:

1) Everyone in Utah that has a crying baby was at Target today. 

2) I can't go to Target without getting a Starbucks 

3) Target has "fat mirrors" which means they make you look at least 500 pounds more than you really are. It's a wonder they stay in business.

4) There was a very creepy lookin security dude there hocking up lougies and staring creepily at me

5) I wish I had a fart saved up when I walked by that creepy security man. That would've taught him

6) Women (stay at home moms) take all 50 of their kids to Target at the same time, shove them all into the same cart along with diapers, tampons, a scenic picture, towels, and V8 splash, and a Lego set

7) Women cannot park. Myself included

8) Mentally I got into a serious physical fight (and won) with a stupid bitch that was walking out and gave me the look of death. I can only imagine it was because of my tattoos and I blew a kiss at her

9) Target fruit snacks are delicious

10) All of the clothes and accessories for Summer right now are absolutely adorable and you MUST go purchase them NOW!!!!

Gym Time

Since November I have been doing boot camp. It's been really nice to go, be told what to do, sweat my ass off, and lose a few pant sizes.  BUT, I get bored of things easily...I'm like a 3 year old. I decided to cancel the boot camp and get back to the good ole' gym. I actually missed it. As I have been working out at Gold's Gym...I have come to a realization of things I did not miss. I am going to tell you right now that because I am a pretty decent person and a good friend...IF you are doing any of these things at the gym, then you need to immediately punch yourself in the crotch for being a douche bag.

1. Guys that check themselves out in the mirror more than they are working out.

2. Guys that check themselves out in the mirror as they are working out.

3. Guys that work out with shorts or pants not around their waists, but under their butt cheeks. How in the Hell are you supposed to workout or run while trying to hold up your pants?

4. Girls who wear all their makeup and their hair perfectly done to workout.

5. People that don't re-rack their weights

6. People who jump on the machine I am using just seconds after I get off of it in between my sets. I AM NOT DONE USING IT ASSHOLE!

8. The skinny as crap trainers who look 12 who ask me if I want a 1 hour personal training session. Are you sure you have a ball sack and have hit puberty yet?

9. People who lurk the machine I am using and sit and stare at me until I am finished. WARNING: I will take way way longer to finish if you do this.

10. The last one I am guilty of pretty much any time I work out. I can't help it! But it must go. I have already punched my crotch several times. People that FART while working out right next to me. I at least have the courtesy to walk into a corner, fart as inconspicuously as I can, exit the corner like nothing happened, and continue my workout.

I can't think of anything else right now, but I am sure more will come to me.

27 years on this Earth

I am old. I feel old. I have wrinkles. I get winded. I can't lose weight anymore by just not eating cereal each meal. My most favorite thing in the world is sleep. I would take a nap every day if I could....in fact, I asked my boss if we can start incorporating "nap time" at work. 

I did have a fun family birthday party though. Ryan set it up and bought pizza. My brother and his gf Ali got me the worlds coolest cake. 

My sweet baby is photo bombing me. Cutest photo bomb ever.