Thursdays

Thursdays blow. Not like Mondays...or a prostitute. But they do blow. It's soooo close to Friday, but not just yet. They piss me off. And here is what has happened to me so far this Thursday. 

1) Someone in my office (bless their lil heart) makes the shittiest coffee ever. Have you ever gone to the coffee machine, noticed it was 90% full, and poured it all out so you can make it the way you like it? I have. I just did. I am not ashamed and I don't care who knows it. I make the best effing coffee ever. Like prob ever. I need to own my own coffee shop. I am not telling you the name either. Because then you will steal it. It's that good. 

2) I got crop dusted so fucking bad today. Either this guy was saving up 1,000 farts after eating 1,000 pieces of broccoli OR he shit his pants and was walking as cool as he could, but inside was crying for his Mommy and needed to get home ASAP. I'm pretty positive he shit his pants. I would bet money on it. 

3) Put on a pair of my panties that I wore when I was 20 pounds lighter. They are constricting my sides and I am going to need stitches to seal up the wound. But this morning I was like fuck it I am tired. 

Friday Favorites

I suck ass at posting lately. Life has just been so busy and you know how it is being an adult. I bought some cool and cute stuff lately, and I wanted to share it with my pals. 

1) I am pretty much kind of obsessed with lipstick, chapstick, gloss, stains...I don't even know how many lippies I have. But, I just bought the most awesomest lipstick at Sephora! It's by Smashbox (my fave makeup brand) and its called Fuchsia Flash. It's about $18 and a matte. I personally love matte lipsticks better. They stay on much longer and if you want a shine to it then just put a gloss on afterwards. Easy peasy.

 

2) I got this dress at Target for $25. It fits so perfect and it has thick enough straps so my big breasted friends can wear a bra.

3) And I got these cute as a button sandals for $29.99 at Tarjay as well. 

4) And lastly, I got another addition to my sleeve. This came to me in a funny way. I was looking on Pinterest and came upon some of Betsy Johnson's jewelry. She designed a sugar skull with a fruit hat on top of it. Kind of like the Chiquita Banana lady, but dead haha. Here it is without color. I have an appt soon for my bright bright color!

In the land of Targetville

I went to Target today on my lunch...to spend some money that I don't have. I learned a few things:

1) Everyone in Utah that has a crying baby was at Target today. 

2) I can't go to Target without getting a Starbucks 

3) Target has "fat mirrors" which means they make you look at least 500 pounds more than you really are. It's a wonder they stay in business.

4) There was a very creepy lookin security dude there hocking up lougies and staring creepily at me

5) I wish I had a fart saved up when I walked by that creepy security man. That would've taught him

6) Women (stay at home moms) take all 50 of their kids to Target at the same time, shove them all into the same cart along with diapers, tampons, a scenic picture, towels, and V8 splash, and a Lego set

7) Women cannot park. Myself included

8) Mentally I got into a serious physical fight (and won) with a stupid bitch that was walking out and gave me the look of death. I can only imagine it was because of my tattoos and I blew a kiss at her

9) Target fruit snacks are delicious

10) All of the clothes and accessories for Summer right now are absolutely adorable and you MUST go purchase them NOW!!!!

Gym Time

Since November I have been doing boot camp. It's been really nice to go, be told what to do, sweat my ass off, and lose a few pant sizes.  BUT, I get bored of things easily...I'm like a 3 year old. I decided to cancel the boot camp and get back to the good ole' gym. I actually missed it. As I have been working out at Gold's Gym...I have come to a realization of things I did not miss. I am going to tell you right now that because I am a pretty decent person and a good friend...IF you are doing any of these things at the gym, then you need to immediately punch yourself in the crotch for being a douche bag.

1. Guys that check themselves out in the mirror more than they are working out.

2. Guys that check themselves out in the mirror as they are working out.

3. Guys that work out with shorts or pants not around their waists, but under their butt cheeks. How in the Hell are you supposed to workout or run while trying to hold up your pants?

4. Girls who wear all their makeup and their hair perfectly done to workout.

5. People that don't re-rack their weights

6. People who jump on the machine I am using just seconds after I get off of it in between my sets. I AM NOT DONE USING IT ASSHOLE!

8. The skinny as crap trainers who look 12 who ask me if I want a 1 hour personal training session. Are you sure you have a ball sack and have hit puberty yet?

9. People who lurk the machine I am using and sit and stare at me until I am finished. WARNING: I will take way way longer to finish if you do this.

10. The last one I am guilty of pretty much any time I work out. I can't help it! But it must go. I have already punched my crotch several times. People that FART while working out right next to me. I at least have the courtesy to walk into a corner, fart as inconspicuously as I can, exit the corner like nothing happened, and continue my workout.

I can't think of anything else right now, but I am sure more will come to me.

27 years on this Earth

I am old. I feel old. I have wrinkles. I get winded. I can't lose weight anymore by just not eating cereal each meal. My most favorite thing in the world is sleep. I would take a nap every day if I could....in fact, I asked my boss if we can start incorporating "nap time" at work. 

I did have a fun family birthday party though. Ryan set it up and bought pizza. My brother and his gf Ali got me the worlds coolest cake. 

My sweet baby is photo bombing me. Cutest photo bomb ever.